THE SHOW-EPISODE TWO
Copyright 2003.

PEDESTRIAN SKETCH

Make up an intro, at end pan back to show that the intro. has been playing on a TV monitor in the front seat of a car. Driver POV as he turns off the set, then back to the windshield, we see PETE walking toward the intersection, then a shot of the car racing toward him. The car pulls up to the stop sign just as PETE is crossing the street. The car begins showing signs of impatience, revs and jumps. The pedestrian stops and walks back in front of the car.

PETE
Excuse me. I'm sure you're aware that you're driving your vehicle in the beautiful state of California. And in said state, the motorist, being you, must bear right of way to the pedestrian, being me. It's a fine little law and I'd like to see it get the recognition it deserves. Allow me to make an example of you.

Then PETE breaks into a Charleston and dances away. The car jumps to go and PETE jumps back in front and continues to dance. This occurs twice more as the car revs angrily. Shots of a couple arguing as they drive. Shot of car swerving down hill towards PETE. Then PETE dances backwards a few steps into the intersection and is mowed down by the couples' car going through in cross traffic.

*****

KILLER COUPLE

Shot of PETE rolling down the couples rear window. The couple has stopped arguing but continue to drive. They come to a stop. The driver looks both ways and drives out into the street. Shot of car turning onto a main road dragging PETE'S crumpled body by his leg, which is broken at the calf and caught in the bumper. PETE is screaming. Shot of the couple driving, wide eyed. PETE'S screams are heard. SALLY (the driver) rolls up the windows and it softens, but not enough. SALLY turns on the radio, then turns it up. PETE screams louder.

GABE
(Over the din)
Did we roll over something?

SALLY
What?

GABE
Well, when we were arguing just a minute ago...

SALLY
Yeah?

GABE
We stopped, and now I think I hear something...dragging.

SALLY
Huh?

GABE
Was it... is it because we... did we... hit... something?

SALLY
Well I don't know dear. Is the car making any funny noises? Do you think it's the muffler?

(They stop and listen. Benny can be heard in the throws of agony.)

SALLY (CONT'D)
I don't hear anything.

GABE
I think if you turn down the radio you might...

SALLY
Don't you think I know what my car sounds like when there's something wrong with it? Don't you think I know that much? Don't you think I know my own car!

GABE
Sorry, sorry. Maybe, it's not the car. Maybe... something... got stuck to the car.

The car screeches to a halt. PETE'S body is heard slamming into the back end. He moans. SALLY gets out of the car and walks around back. Shot of GABE sitting nervously. The car door dinger, the radio and PETE can be heard. The trunk opens. Chopping and screaming can be heard. GABE winces with every chop. The trunk slams, then again and again until it sticks. The passenger keeps wincing. The back door opens and a bloody ax is thrown in the backseat. SALLY, covered in blood, gets back into the car, turns down the radio, rolls down the window and lights a smoke.)

GABE (CONT'D)

Dd-did you find what was making the noise?

SALLY
Yup.

GABE
Who... What was it?

SALLY
Just some brush. You were right dear, we did roll over some large branches back there. It's my fault, I wasn't paying attention and I've taken care of it. Now I'm completely covered in sap. Harmless, sticky tree sap.

SALLY laughs

GABE
It smells like blood in here.

SALLY rolls down the passenger window.

SALLY
There you go dear.

They sit.

GABE
You want to get drive-thru?

SALLY
You're paying.

Pan back as the car drives past the man walking toward Capitan Jim's.

*****

CAP-EE-TAN JIM

BILL is strolling through a parking lot with his hands in his pockets, whistling a happy tune. Out of nowhere pops a crazy man in a Captains hat.

CAPITAIN JIM
Willkommen zu Capitan Jims' verzogertem Karneval!'

BILL
Eh?

JIM
Spreken zie Dutch?

BILL
Not a word.

JIM
Well then, welcome sir, to Cap-i-tan Jim's Retarded Carnival.

BILL
Come again?

JIM
You see, I am Cap-i-tan Jim and this is my amazingly retarded carnival.

BILL
Is this a robbery? Do you want my money?

JIM
Why of course I'd like your money sir, but not before I have seen you amazed and stupified! If you would so kindly follow me.

They walk a short distance, and stop before a nearly empty field.

BILL
Where is it?

JIM
All around you! Are you blind? I, Cap-i-tan Jim, like a seeing eye dog, grossly underfed and beaten into submission, shall show you the way. But first, the small matter of the miniscually paltry entrance fee.

BILL
All right, I'll humor you. How much?

JIM
Forty-eight dollars.

BILL
That's outrageous! I'm not paying that much just to see an empty field.

JIM
It's much more than that. And besides, you have the founder at your disposal as your personal tour guide. How often do those bastard Ringle-ing Brothers step down off their high horses to commune with their guests?

BILL
I guess you're right.

JIM
So that'll be fifty three dollars and we can get started.

BILL
But didn't you just say it was…

JIM
Fifty three.

BILL
Okay.

BILL hands over the money and they begin walking.

JIM
Let me lead you to our first attraction. The "Incred-I-ble Climbing Wall!"

JIM motions towards a board with rusty nails in it leaning against a post.

BILL
That's a board with nails in it.

JIM
Rusty nails to be exact, and I warn you not to wear your shoes as it may scuff the board, and that would be a three hund-er-ed dollar fine.

BILL
Let's see what else you have here first.

JIM
Of course sir, keep your options open. In this direction we have, a dead dog

They step over a dead dog.

JIM (CONT'D)
But beyond that we have… "The Gravitron!" Cap-i-tan Jim's amazing Gravitron of delight to be exact.

Cut to large man standing idly by.

BILL
Is it behind the guy?

JIM
No it… It is the guy.

BILL
Explain to me how, in any way, this man is a Gravitron.

JIM
Here's what he does. For 11 dollars Benny picks you up, swings you around 3 times, and then tosses you. For .8 seconds you believe that you're flying. Of course, for the next half hour you're trying to find your spleen, but…

BILL
He throws you on the ground?

JIM
Do you see any place else to be tossed?

BILL
Well, let's see what else there is.

JIM
You haven't seen anything yet...

CAMERAMAN
Cut! Take a break guys.

ACTORS BREAK CHARACTER (Matlock and other actors can improv some funny "behind the scenes" kind of stuff here?) and camera pans over to ADAM ARAGON, with headphones on eating a donut, watching the camera monitor. He switches the channel from displaying the last shot to the black and white placard of the MONDAY MID-MORNING MINI-MOVIE, IN-CONTEMPTIBLE!

*****

IN-CONTEMPTIBLE

Display text onscreen.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
"AND NOW BACK TO YOUR MONDAY MID-MORNING MINI-MOVIE, IN-CONTEMPTIBLE!"

Scene opens on a courtroom. A woman, MRS. ARCHER, is on the stand, while the PROSECUTOR questions her. Everyone but the two of them look bored and tired as if this has gone on for quite some time and they have long since lost interest; even the JUDGE. The entire time the JUDGE is sitting resting his chin on his hand, dozing off. He never moves from this position.

PROSECUTOR
Mrs. Archer. Is it not true that your husband was a jealous man?

MRS. ARCHER
(Pause)
I'm not sure I understand. Is it true that he wasn't a...

PROSECUTOR
Is it NOT true that he WAS a jealous...

MRS. ARCHER
NOT true that he was okay, I'm sorry, no, YES, no... No he, he wasn't. WAS! so yes.

PROSECUTOR
Yes?

MRS. ARCHER
He WAS a jealous...

PROSECUTOR
(Helping her along)
Jealous man.

MRS. ARCHER
Yes.

PROSECUTOR
Okay.

MRS. ARCHER
Okay.

PROSECUTOR
Did your husband express any of these jealous tendencies towards anyone you associated with, Any persons you kept in touch with, ANY... gardeners you spoke with on a daily basis perhaps?

MRS. ARCHER
(Ashamedly)
Yes. Yes he did.

PROSECUTOR
And this gardener, we'll call him MR. Gardener, was he well liked in the gardening community?

MRS. ARCHER
I can't say that he wasn't.

PROSECUTOR
(Lifting his ear)
I'm sorry?

MRS. ARCHER
I say I can't say that he wasn't.

PROSECUTOR
(Slightly under his breath)
So your saying that he wasn't or he...

MRS. ARCHER
He WAS. He was.

PROSECUTOR
Okay he was.

MRS. ARCHER
He was.

PROSECUTOR
Okay.

(Beat)
Do you happen to know WHO, in the gardening community, Liked, or should I say respected, or should I say made love to, or DARE I say... kissed Mr. Gardener, on a bi-weekly basis?

MRS. ARCHER
(Searching for a moment)
Bi-Weekly..um, yes?

PROSECUTOR
Then you know who?

MRS. ARCHER
No, I don't know who.

PROSECUTOR
But you said yes.

MRS. ARCHER
(Getting angry)
Yes, I did not know who Mr. Gardener was associated with.

PROSECUTOR
Who?

MRS. ARCHER
No, I said I didn't know.

PROSECUTOR
I'll rephrase the question. Did Mr. Gardener ever mention a lesbian tennis instructor who once introduced his mothers' brother, formerly his uncle before his tragic disownment, to a well respected advice columnist who we shall simply refer to as Dear X?

MRS. ARCHER
No.

PROSECUTOR
Really? He should have it's a great story. But enough of your misleading topics of testification. Let's get down to the real story Mrs. Archer. The one everyone in this room came here to place their judgement upon today.

MRS. ARCHER
I wish we could.

PROSECUTOR
Objection your honor, she used fascist doublespeak in regards towards me!

JUDGE
No she didn't.

PROSECUTOR
Alright then overruled. Do you know, or did you ever know of an associate of Mr. Gardener that might have reason to BRUTALLY MANGLE an EGRET on his front porch, Mrs. Archer?

PROSECUTOR holds up picture of an egret.

PROSECUTOR (CONT'D)
AN EGRET, Mrs. Archer. Previously belonging to a well known local eccentric millionaire? Need I not mention his name?

MRS. ARCHER
No you need nottent.

PROSECUTOR
Needent I not?

MRS. ARCHER
You need nottent no, and I knew nothing of that egret.

PROSECUTOR
What about the egret Mrs. Archer? Why all this fuss over an egret? How did you know, Mrs. Archer, that the egret in question liked to take long strolls with it's eccentric, if not to say often "kinky" owner, along the banks of the local sewage facility at first sign of dusk. How he loved cradling in his arms after a nice Swedish rub down, how he tickled his toes from time to time.

PROSECUTOR looks to jury exasperatedly as if to say "can you believe this woman?" to no response. One man in front lifts his hands and shrugs nonchalantly. PROSECUTOR sighs loudly and turns back to the stand.

MRS. ARCHER
I didn't know.

PROSECUTOR
Didn't know WHAT Mrs. Archer?

MRS. ARCHER
I didn't know THAT.

PROSECUTOR
Oh. Well do you now?

MRS. ARCHER
Yes, I suppose.

PROSECUTOR
Then why do you INSIST on DENYING it!

MRS. ARCHER
I DON'T!

PROSECUTOR
You did.

MRS. ARCHER
I DIDN'T!

PROSECUTOR
You do.

MRS. ARCHER
I never.

PROSECUTOR
(Insidiously)
You will.

MRS. ARCHER
(Beat. Honestly confused)
Will what?

PROSECUTOR
(Patronizingly)
Oh, Mrs. Archer. Not back to this old run-around again.

MRS. ARCHER
I am NOT running around anything. Especially not you!

PROSECUTOR
Mrs. Archer, if you continue to waste the courts time with your nazi-backtalk-doublespeak...

MRS. ARCHER
I object! I think I am being badgered…and badly to boot.

PROSECUTOR
MRS. ARCHER! Seriously Your Honor, how can you let this blabbering continue?

No answer, as judge is staring off into space.

PROSECUTOR (CONT'D)
I say "Seriously Your Honor how can you..."

PROSECUTOR looks around at the jury, who are all also staring into space, some are leaning their heads on their hands, all look bored and lost.

MRS. ARCHER
Since it would seem that we're alone now Mr. Prosecutor, would you like to know what this is all about? Off the record of course.

She motions towards the court reporter who is smoking a cigarette and appreciating a painting a few feet away from the typewriter.

PROSECUTOR
Sure what the hell.

PROSECUTOR walks closer and leans in casually.

MRS. ARCHER
Well...
(deep breath, then says entire story in nearly one breath)
The whole thing started when my husband began working on our aforementioned eccentric millionaires' estate, caring for the egret in question. My husband was associated with an associate of the gardeners' whom I never met and was only mentioned by my husband in passing. The gardener was something of a collector, rare antiquities, you see, and as you know my husband was as well. It got around that the gardener had purchased a rare book at an auction which my husband desperately wanted, but the gardener had outbid him. As you know a mere gardener could never make enough dough to warrant such a lofty bid, so my husband looked into it. He found that the gardener was the son in law of the very wealthy eccentric who my husband worked for and had purchased the book for the old man. So my husband, clever dog that he was, got it in his head that he would simply ask to buy the book from the eccentric. Needless to say the man wasn't having it, and passionate for the book of his dreams my husband, clever dog THAT he was, got it in his head to simply take the book. So my husband, in an impassioned moment, took the precious egret, thinking to hold it ransom for the book. Well, my husband, being an only recent bird-handler, had no idea the fuss and ruckus an anxious bird with a nervous pecking disorder could stir. He had hoped to take it to the gardeners' house to bargain, but by the time he got it to the door my poor husbands hands were sliced and bleeding and the bird was in a bad way. Guilty for the birds condition and not wanting to arouse anymore anxiety, my husband panicked and left the mangled bird on the gardeners front porch, and after some time the poor creature must've wrung it's own neck trying to escape the rope my husband had lead it with. So you

MRS. ARCHER (CONT'D)
see, my husband never killed anybody, he is only guilty of bird-napping gone horribly awry. That's why the bird was on the porch, that's why my husbands blood was there, and that is why my husband is completely and unquestionably innocent.
(Breath.)

PROSECUTOR
Well that explains everything.

MRS. ARCHER
It most certainly does.

PROSECUTOR
I didn't even know about the whole book thing.

MRS. ARCHER
Yes, it's quite vital to the story.

PROSECUTOR
Say, now that we've got all this nonsense out of the way... What I've really been meaning to ask is are you free on Thursday, for coffee, a movie, and possible intercourse afterwards?

MRS. ARCHER
Though I despise your cantankerous black heart, and I would think coffee with you would mean hours of unending torture and exposition. The sex would undoubtedly be angry and spastic and that would certainly take my mind off this whole mess with my husband.

PROSECUTOR
8 o'clock sound good to you.

MRS. ARCHER
No, but I don't feel like arguing about it.

PROSECUTOR
Good, I'll be by around half past ten.

The PROSECUTOR grabs his coat and hat and exits. There is a long pause as MRS. ARCHER looks around at the roomful of snoring or distracted jurors. She turns to the judge.

MRS. ARCHER
May I be excused from the stand?

JUDGE
(Bored.)
No.

Someone in the front row of the court audience falls over in their chair. Pan out to show shot is on Robertos’ TV.

*****

ROBERTO'S "QUIT SMOKING FOREVER NOW"

ROBERTO
(Turns from watching the end of Capitan Jim on his small TV.)
Hello, and welcome, my friends, to Roberto's Quit Smoking Forever Now program. I am Roberto! I am here today, out of the goodness of my heart, to help you--to extend my rough, sexy hand to you, and to grasp you, and to pull you up and to lay you across the bed, and tear open your blouse, and to--uh, no no--no. To help you to quit smoking--yes! Yes. To quit smoking. Now, through the power of my voice, I, Roberto, will hypnotees, hyp--I will hiiip---noooo---tise... I will hypnotise you into a state of deep sleep. Then, through the power of suggestion, I will convince your subconscious mind, while you slumber, that you do not ever want to smoke again. Now, are you relaxed? Well then, get relaxed. Roberto will wait.
(LONG BEAT)
Ready? Hokay! I, Roberto, will begin to count down from ten to one. As I am counting, imagine yourself in the sky... floating peacefully in the blue sky. You are sitting on a cloud. It is a beautiful, puffy little cloud, made of smoke. No! Made of--I don't know--made of... cloud gas. Whatever. Whatever clouds are made of. Okay. You are on the cloud, you know, just kicking back. Relaxing. Doing whatever you do to relax. Maybe you eating some popcorn, smoking, whatever. Anything but smoking. Now I will begin to count, and while I count from ten to one, the little cloud will begin to disappear, fading, fading away until there is no cloud at all. Let's begin.

Cheesy New Age music begins playing

ROBERTO (CONT'D)
Ten. You are on the cloud. Nine. All by yourself up in the sky. Seven. The little cloud is getting smaller. It is getting tiny. Eight. Maybe--maybe there is a little bird, eh? Flying around your head? Eh... three. Tinier and tinier, the little cloud. One. The cloud is gone. Now you are--apparently--floating in the sky without a cloud. And I am not sure how you are doing that. Anyway, now you are in a deep hysnoptic trance. Your will is like putty in Roberto's hands. Now I will begin to make suggestion to your unconscious mind. Soon you will be completely free of the shackles of nicotine--the chains of smoking shall burst open like the buttons on your blouse as I--excuse me. Are you still asleep? Good. Here is the message. Smoking is bad for you. It ruins your health. Instead of wasting your time smoking, you will serve Roberto hand and foot, tending to his every whim and fantasy. You will serve only Roberto. Roberto is the king. He is a good king. He is a sexy king. Okay, but ladies only, okay--that is what I am saying, only the ladies. Men you keep smoking, get bad teeth. Ladies--you are Roberto's sex slaves. All jump out of a box by your feet, to wake you up. One. There is a little monkey! Two. Why, there are more little monkeys! They are playful. Three. They are jumping a little too much. I think they are going to knock the boat over. Six. You--hey, little monkey. That's--that's not--okay, eight nine ten twelve. Get up, get up, Roberto has done it! He has cured you! It is as simple as that! Men, if you ever feel like having a cigarette again, please purchase the entire box set of Roberto's Quit Smoking Forever Now cassettes immediately. Three hundred dollars, no COD. Now ladies, please come to the address on the box of this cassette for your--your prize. It's a, like a coupon. Roberto will be waiting.
(He turns back to his TV, camera follows to show Capitan Jim walking across screen. Cut into Capitan Jim Part Deux.)

*****

CAP-I-TAIN JIM (PART DEUX)

JIM
You haven't seen anything yet. There's Cap-i-tan Jim's incredibly amazing incredible "Roller Coaster…

They approach a wheel barrow on train tracks

JIM (CONT'D)
…Of Fun!"

BILL
This is a roller coaster? It's a wheelbarrow.

JIM
It's a roller coaster.

BILL
It's a wheelbarrow.

JIM
It's a roller coaster.

BILL
It's a wheelbarrow.

JIM
Benny!

BENNY approaches BILL menacingly.

BILL
It's a roller coaster! It's a roller coaster. How much?

JIM
Thirteen dollars.

BILL
Thirteen dollars?

JIM
Benny!

BENNY begins manhandling BILL.

BILL
Fine, whatever.

BILL pulls out money which is hurriedly snatched up by JIM. BENNY throws BILL into the wheelbarrow. Cut to a wider shot as BENNY pushes him down the tracks, they approach a ladder.

JIM
Now this is where it can get a little scary.

BILL
I think I'll just get off now.

BENNY dumps BILL onto the ground.

JIM
Five dollars for exiting the ride before it has come to a complete stop.

BILL, laying face down, hands a five over his shoulder.

BILL
(Still face down.)
I'm getting kinda hungry. Got a food court or anything?

JIM
Right this way. Benny, get him up!

BILL
No! It's fine.

BILL picks himself up. BENNY drags BILL to a countertop next to a garbage bin. JIM pops up from behind.

JIM
What may I help you with sir?

BILL
Um, well, what do you have?

JIM
Well for starters, we have nachos…

BILL
How much?

JIM
Three dollars.

BILL
(Reaching for his wallet)
That's the cheapest thing here! I'll take some.

JIM
(Ducking behind the counter)
Would you like cheese on them?

BILL
Well, they are Nachos…

JIM
Fifty dollars!

BILL
What?!?

JIM
Benny! We seem to have an unsatisfied customer.

BENNY rises up from behind the counter pounding a fist into his other hand.

BENNY
Is there a problem with your service?

BILL stares at Benny momentarily, then without breaking his stare he hands over the fifty.

Cut to BILL and JIM back in the field, BENNY follows.

JIM
(Pointing offscreen)
And over there is Cap-i-tan Jim's "Merry-Go-Round of Delight!"

BILL
(Looking sickly)
My God man, those are dead ponies with poles stuck through them!

JIM
The smell isn't too savory. I recommend that you get off if your gag reflex starts to kick in. Benny will provide the music. Benny!

JIM slaps BENNY and BENNY in turn begins to hum merry-go-round music. As he does this BILL makes as if to puke. JIM holds out a barf bag and BILL reaches for it. JIM pulls it away and holds out his other hand for money. BILL digs through his pockets furiously and pulls out some random change. JIM hands over the bag and BILL vomits into it. JIM takes the bag when he is done.

JIM (CONT'D)
Do you want this?

BILL shakes his head disgustedly. JIM tosses it over his shoulder and there is the sound of water splashing.

JIM (CONT'D)
30 dollar disposal charge.

BILL
(Still fixated on the merry-go-round))
I'm gonna show myself around for a bit.

JIM
Have fun!

He sees someone else and walks offscreen.

Pan out to reveal this shot is playing on a TV in a hallway next to Judy. Start Fetus.

*****

FETUS

Scene opens on the TV which is next to JUDY, who is on her cell phone in an elegant hallway. She is also dressed elegantly.

JUDY
I don't know what should I say to him. He really looks like my type. Are you sure? Well, It's worth a shot. Thanks Helen.

She hangs up her cell phone and determinedly walks back to the punchbowl. There is a man standing on the other side of the punchbowl, sipping and admiring the apparent party atmosphere. A man in a waiters outfit with a tray of drinks walks up to him.

WAITER
(Enters from right.)
Alcoholic beverage sir?

DAVE
No thank you, I don't drink beverages.

WAITER
Very well sir.
(Bows lightly and exits to right.)

JUDY, who has been watching DAVE, immediately approaches him from left.

JUDY
(Looks DAVE up and down awkwardly.)
I have a waterbed at home.

DAVE
Sorry, I don't drink waterbeds.

JUDY
Very well sir.
(JUDY sets her jaw and exits to the left.)

A portly strange man wearing the top half of a waiters outfit carrying a tray of disgusting things approaches DAVE from left.

FETUS MAN
Ahem, fetus?

FETUS MAN proffers tray to DAVE, who eyes it confusedly.

DAVE
No thank you I don't…wait, what did you say it was?

FETUS MAN
He, fetus… Er, unborn child.

FETUS MAN presents tray in the same manner.

DAVE
Human?

FETUS MAN
Oh no, well, er, uh, yes. Fetus?

DAVE
Oh god, where did, where did you get them?

FETUS MAN
Er, I found them near some broken formaldehyde jars behind an abortion clinic. Fetus?

DAVE
You mean, to eat.

FETUS MAN
Oh no, well, er, um n, Yes. Fetus?

DAVE
Well, Are they any good?

FETUS MAN
Oh Ye, uh, er, well, uh, no. Fetus?

DAVE
Then why would I eat them?

FETUS MAN
I have no fucking clue. Fetus?

DAVE
Why don't you try one?
(Under breath)
Sicko.Uggh.

FETUS MAN
Oh no, well, er, yes, n, Okay!

FETUS MAN proceeds to take a fetus from the tray and dangle it above his mouth

FETUS MAN (CONT'D)
They slide right down the throat.

FETUS MAN swallows it and acts okay, then makes vomiting noises and beats his chest with one hand

FETUS MAN (CONT'D)
They can't quite claw their way up past the sternum. Fetus?

DAVE
I think I'm going to be sick. Security!

FETUS MAN
Got to go!

FETUS MAN drops the tray and runs out of the shot, but not before you see that he is wearing no pants. A Party security guard walks up to the man.

SECURITY GUARD
What seems to be the problem sir, is everything secure?

DAVE
Well, that man over there…

DAVE points after FETUS MAN

SECURITY GUARD
That man running away with no pants?

DAVE
Yes, that man with the firm young buttocks, he was offering me…
(leans in to whisper, nearly inaudible)
He offered me fetus.

SECURITY GUARD
What? You kind of trailed off there.
(Leans in.)

DAVE
Fetus.

SECURITY GUARD
(Shocked.)
Sir, that's absolutely disgusting and inappropriate. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
(Begins to manhandle Dave.)

DAVE
No, you don't understand, he was serving them like, on a tray! Eating fetus! EATING FETUS!

As the guard drags him past a table, he points franticly to a tray similar to the one fetus-man carried away. A man with a monocle is apparently about to eat a fetus. He stops in mid-bite, confused by the commotion.

DAVE (CONT'D)
That man there, he's eating fetus too!

SECURITY GUARD
Sir, are you trying to tell me that this gentleman here is about to bite into an aborted human fetus?

The man, without thinking, takes a bite and begins to chew, absorbed in the conversation.

DAVE
I'm trying to tell you he just did.

MONOCLE MAN
Pupcn shmup.

SECURITY GUARD
Please sir, don't try to talk with your mouth full of formaldehyde pickled embryo.

DAVE
I'm gonna be sick. Please take me somewhere where I can be sick.

MONOCLE MAN
(Chews and swallows.) Popcorn Shrimp.)
This is just some popcorn shrimp in a cocktail sauce that my wife made, actually. Would you care for some?

DAVE
Merciful God, no.

MONOCLE MAN
Well, I never.

SECURITY GUARD
(To Dave)
Sir I'm gonna have to ask you to watch your manners or I'll be forced to forcibly escort you from the grounds. With force. Do you understand me?
(To Man)
Sorry buddy, my friend here has some reservations about certain recipes floating around this party.

MONOCLE MAN
Perfectly understandable at these pot lucks.

SECURITY GUARD
I myself am a tad peckish, and see no reason why I
(He jerks Dave's arm.)
Or My friend here shouldn't sample a platter of your wifes' delightful Popcorn fried Shrimp con Cocktail Sauce. Do I?
(He manhandles DAVE threateningly)

DAVE
(Reluctantly)
I guess you don't.

The three of them reach for shrimp and the camera pans slowly around the room to a T.V. set. Chewing and slurping can be heard.

MONOCLE MAN
They're quite tangy, don't you think? She actually came across them downtown today, near some broken formaldehyde jars behind an abortion clinic.

The chewing stops and vomiting is heard. Some splashes near the T.V. which displays the next sketch.

*****

CAPTAIN JIM PART TREE

Jim approaches a woman and her small child.

JIM
Welcome! Can I show you and your freakishly odd little friend around the park?

He looks at the child who has a goatee. He looks at Abigail, the mother questioningly.

ABIGAIL
We're Italian.

Jim pulls out an inflated balloon from his jacket.

JIM
Little goat child, would you like a balloon?

KID
No…

JIM
Balloons are mandatory. Take it! Five dollars.

ABIGAIL hands over a five. JIM motions as if to hand it to the boy, then releases it (Or bursts it with cigarette) and it flies away. The boy begins to cry.

JIM (CONT'D)
Oops, looks like you lost hold of that one. Here have another, five dollars. Looking at your little child here, I feel obligated to show you to our "Amazing Freak Show," with horrors from around the world. Or the downtown area at least.

JIM walks into a makeshift tent. ABIGAIL and her child follow. After a second JIM pushes them both out and outstretches his hand. They hand him a couple of dollars, and he lets them in while counting the cash.

JIM (CONT'D)
Now I must warn you, this animal (And believe me, he is more animal than anything else) is arguably the cruelest freak of nature mankind has ever set it's glass eyes on! May I present, for your abasement, The Ex-Elephant Man!

BENNY opens the curtain and presents a man sipping coffee on a couple of milk crates.

ABIGAIL
Is it behind the guy or…

JIM
It is the guy! But, he used to look like THIS!

He presents a doctored photo of a mans body with an elephants head attached. ABIGAIL and child both scream and run away.

JIM (CONT'D)
Benny! Go shake 'em down before they get off the grounds.

EX-ELEPHANT MAN
Hey man, can I like, take a smoke break, stretch my legs for a…

JIM
(Threatening with cane)
Get back to your cage you repug-i-nant freak! Just looking at you makes a kind of acidic bile rise to the back of my throat and it burns.

JIM closes the curtain and walks away.

EX-ELEPHANT MAN
I'm not an animal, you know.

JIM runs back into shot and behind the curtain with his cane raised. There are signs of a scuffle and thwacking noises.

*****

DAD JUNK

(Segue from Capitan Jim: As PHILLIP drives, the shot is his POV as he passes a TV playing the last scene of Capitan Jim on the side of the road. Camera turns back to road as if he turns his head.)

Scene opens on a normal looking man (PHILLIP) driving in a family sedan. He is driving home from work. On the side of the road, he sees a box with something shiny and gold inside. He drives past it, shrugs to himself, then goes back for the box. We see it is filled with chocolate filled gold coins, all melted together into a big lump. PHILLIP is overjoyed, and puts the whole greasy box into the back of the car, and drives home. Next shot is of two kids (BOBBY & SUZY) sitting at the kitchen table doing homework as their mom (HELEN) puts dishes away. PHILLIP bursts in carrying his box.

PHILLIP
Kids! You'll never guess what I got!

The kids look semi-interestedly at their excited dad. HELEN comes over to the table. All peer into the box.

BOBBY & SUZY
(Shriek in joyful unison)
It's CHOCOLATE!

THE KIDS reach their hands in to grab some and together they pull out the huge melted ball. They drop it disappointedly.

PHILLIP
Wait kids, I'll get the knife!

PHILLIP turns to grab a knife from a drawer as HELEN stops him.

HELEN
Wait, honey, where did you find…this?

PHILLIP
Well, believe it or not, it was just sitting on the side of the road! Boy am I glad I went back for it!

PHILLIP grabs the knife and four plates and starts to carve the choc-o-ball, and sets plates of chocolate with trace amounts of tin foil in front of the kids. He then starts to dig in to his own chocolate slab.

HELEN
What do you mean, on the side of the road. Like a roadside stand?

PHILLIP
No. I mean it was just sitting there, near a ditch, on the side of the road! I just saw it from the corner of my eye, like a beacon. It was calling to me! When I saw them, I just couldn't believe that someone could just leave such a valuable commodity as Chocolate Halloween coins on the side of the road! I had to bring them home so that they could help nourish my family!

HELEN
But don't you think that if they left them on the side of the road, they had good reason for doing so?

PHILLIP
What could possibly be a good reason for throwing away perfectly good chocolate! I'm trying to provide for my family Helen, and if you can think of a cheaper, easier way than picking up useful items from the side of the road then I'd sure as HELL like to see it!

HELEN
I'm not criticizing you Phillip, I just think…

PHILLIP
Just think of the possibilities! The average consumer throws away TONS of perfectly good products a year! We can benefit from their misjudgments on the value of their personal property. Poor people do it all the time!

SUZY
(Poking at her chocolate with a fork)
But Dad, we're not poor.

PHILLIP
That's the last classist remark I ever want to hear out of your mouth little lady!

HELEN
Suzy's right Phil, you and I both have jobs, we make good money, we can just buy things for the kids.

PHILLIP
Why buy when we could scavenge! With all the money we could save we could put the kids through school!

PHILLIP grabs his wife and spins her around to see her children poking at their chocolate

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
I don't know about you Helen, but I can't die a happy man until I see my children go to college!

BOBBY
Dad, this chocolate smells funny.

HELEN
It could be dirty chocolate Phillip!

At this, he takes a bite of his choco-chunk, leaving chocolate around his mouth and tin foil between his teeth

PHILLIP
It doesn't taste dirty to me Helen! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to provide for our children!

PHILLIP runs out the door excitedly, carrying the greasy chocolate box with him. Music segment. We show a shot of PHILLIP cruising around in his car, spotting some weird things on the side of the road, then back to him cruising in the car with the weird things visibly piling up in the chocolate box on the front seat. He finds things like hubcaps, roadkill, bowling trophies, really weird stuff.

Next scene is PHILLIP pulling into the driveway. He hops out and happily drags his stuff onto the lawn. BOBBY, SUZY and HELEN come out to see the things he brought. BOBBY lifts a piece of a tire out of the box and drops it, then they walk off uninterestedly. HELEN crosses her arms.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
See honey, we can live like kings!

PHILLIP pulls a cigar butt out of the box, dusts it off, lights it and puffs away happily.

HELEN
(Mutters as she walks back to the house.)
Where are we gonna put all this crap?

Next is a shot of HELEN in the kitchen. She is taking a turkey out of the oven. She sets it on the counter, goes to a drawer to look for something and doesn't find it. PHILLIP is sitting at the table going through some of his junk.

HELEN (CONT'D)
Honey, could you run to the store and get me a turkey baster? I lent mine to Sharon.

PHILLIP
(Jumps up)
Hold on a second!

He runs to their overflowing garage. He digs through one of the many assorted boxes and pulls out a dirty, grease covered turkey baster that's filled with a black goo. He looks at it, brushes it off ineffectively, squirts the contents out, then runs back into the kitchen carrying the baster.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
Here! I found this near some railroad tracks. Isn't it amazing! I told you this stuff would come in handy!

HELEN has turkey in her hands as PHILLIP runs in and sticks the dirty baster into the juice, squeezes the bulb and sucks some up. PHILLIP squeezes the juice, now containing indistinguishable black chunks over the turkey. HELEN, showing no emotion, turns, sets the turkey on the counter, and passes out onto the floor.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
I think I have something we could use for a meat thermometer!

He runs off, HELEN crawls to her feet and chases after him fearfully. HELEN enters the garage as PHILLIP is digging through boxes.

HELEN
Phillip, this is too much. We can't keep all this trash in our garage! I demand that you throw away…

PHILLIP turns around sharply to stare at mom, a puppy dog look starts to overtake his face.

HELEN (CONT'D)
…anything that has no immediate purpose. Most of this stuff belongs in other peoples' dumpsters!

PHILLIP
Dumpsters? THAT'S IT! Why didn't I think of it sooner!

PHILLIP whips out his car keys.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
Don't worry honey, I'm just gonna check out those dumpsters behind Safeway. I'm sure I can find some things to help me organize all this stuff. Be back soon!

Fade to black. Camera pulls back from a black piece of fabric nailed to a wall. As the shot widens, it shows other nailed wall hangings like tin foil, stuffed animals and plastic bags. PHILLIP walks past the shot and the camera follows him to the refrigerator. He opens the door, with a squirrel pelt, caked in dried blood and held on with refrigerator magnets, and grabs previously opened, slightly crumpled Pepsi can. He then puts some ice into a broken glass and pours in the few drops of backwash sludge left in the can. The camera follows him into the living room, also covered with useless garbage, and takes a seat next to his family on the torn up living room couch in front of a small TV with a coat hanger antennae. His family at this point looks beyond disturbed as they all have blank, wide-eyed expressions on their faces. They stare transfixedly at the static fuzz on the television. PHILLIP hands SUZY a brown paper bag with a crusty Christmas bow.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
Daddy found you another present today Suzy!

SUZY opens the bag without losing the traumatized expression on her face. She pulls out the body of a doll.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
I'll look for a head tomorrow!

SUZY quietly sets the doll on the couch next to her.

SUZY
Thank you Father.

PHILLIP
Son, will you adjust the reception on the entertainment center, see if the Spanish channel is coming in tonight. We can get started on your bi-lingual studies.

BOBBY stands up and starts to play with the wire hanger.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
That's my college boy! Helen dear, could you hand me some chips from the end table?

HELEN grabs a bowl from the back of a dead crack-whore laying face down over a cement block next to the couch. PHILLIP takes a sip from the broken glass.

PHILLIP (CONT'D)
(With blood streaming from him his lips)
Daddy told you kids. Like kings!

Camera moves to display the next shot of Capitan Jim playing on their TV.

*****

CAP-EE-TAN JIM CONCLUDED.

Shot of BILL walking into frame and crossing the field. He is accosted by JIM.

JIM
Did I just see you use the restroom?

BILL
Yes?

JIM
Was it number one or number two?

BILL
(Embarrassed)
Two. Why?

JIM
Why? That's fifty dollars for cleansing charges, that's why!

BILL
But I flushed!

JIM
You flushed? Then you must have witnessed the… "Magical Typhoon of Cleansing Power!"

BILL
Well I wasn't really looking…

JIM
Eighty dollars!

BILL, used to this treatment by now, hands over the money and walks off. A new guest (SHMOE) wanders into the park. JIM approaches him.

JIM (CONT'D)
Welcome to Cap-i-tan Jim's Retarded Carnival of wonders. How may I help you?

SHMOE
Well I was thinking of taking my family here, and I kind of want to check the place out. Do you have any children oriented rides and games?

JIM
Can I direct you to Cap-i-tan Jim's Marvelous Midway, where we have such wonderful games as, "Don't let your child explode!"

SHMOE
What do you mean, "Don't let your child… Explode!?"

JIM
What we do, is we place an explosive somewhere on your child's person. And if you can't find it in time… Oh well!

SHMOE
What's, "Oh well?"

JIM
Oh… well… Let me show you the souvenir shop. We have marvelous gifts for the kiddies like stuffed animals…

JIM pulls something from a shelf.

SHMOE
That's a dead raccoon.

JIM
It was the raccoon or my mother. I could only stuff one and I figured she wouldn't sell.

SHMOE stares worriedly at JIM for a moment. JIM drops the Raccoon.

JIM (CONT'D)
Follow me sir!

JIM and the SHMOE walk across the empty field. SHMOE trips in a pothole along the way.

SHMOE
Ow! I tripped in a pothole.

JIM
That was no pothole sir, that was the… "Pit of Despair!" 10 dollars please.

SHMOE
But it was just a pothole.

JIM
Pit of Despair.

SHMOE
It's a pothole.

JIM
Benny!

BENNY enters menacingly.

SHMOE
Okay!
(Hands over money)

JIM
Let me show you one last thing.

They approach a railway car.

JIM (CONT'D)
Welcome to Cap-i-tan Jim's "Old Western Theme Park!" Howdy partner, let's rangle up some doggies and do some sheep shaggin'
(Whispering)
The kids, they love this.

SHMOE
What are you doing to that poor man?

A shot shows BILL, tied to the train car while two men gag him and douse him in gasoline.

BILL
Help me! For the love of God, he's insane! Call the police!

BILL is gagged.

JIM
It's all part of the fun. He's enjoying this.
(To BILL)
Glad you're having fun!

JIM flicks his cigarette towards the train car and fire flares up on JIM and SHMOES' faces from offscreen. A muffled scream is heard.

SHMOE
That poor man is on fire!

JIM
He loves it.
(To BILL)
Enjoying yourself?

Another scream.

SHMOE
Look, I just want to get out of here.

JIM
Well, there's the matter of the exit fee.

SHMOE
Exit fee?

JIM
Otherwise you'll have to stay here with us. Bill over here may need a replacement… Very soon.

SHMOE takes two steps backward while staring into the fire, then bolts offscreen. BENNY enters shot.

JIM (CONT'D)
Break his knees and shave his head, we'll put him in the freak show tomorrow.

BENNY follows after SHMOE as JIM admires the fire. Pan over to a broken looking TV set somewhere on the lot. It flickers on and displays footage of a duckbilled platypus swimming through the water.

*****

THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE DUCKBILLED PLATYPUS

Cut into stock footage of a duckbilled platypus. A smooth, mature mans' voice (eg. Marty Stouffer) narrates, classic PBS documentary-style.

NARRATOR
(Voice over)
The duck billed platypus is natures' most curious creature.

Show a map of Australia

NARRATOR (CONT'D)
(V.O.)
Native to southern Australia and New Zealand, the platypus has long defied taxonomic classification.

Show a chart of the animal kingdom, complete with little pictures of turtles, monkeys, lions, etc. The platypus image is tagged with a question mark.

NARRATOR (CONT'D)
(V.O.)
Biologists are still debating just where in the animal kingdom this misfit belongs.

Show a diagram of a platypus. Arrows point out the features as the narration continues.

NARRATOR (CONT'D)
(V.O.)
It has fur like an otter, and the bill and flippers of a water fowl. It is warm-blooded, and the female produces milk in her teats like a mammal, yet she lays eggs like a reptile.

Shot of a few small eggs lying on the ground.

NARRATOR (CONT'D)
The platypus is a crazy-quilt, an animal seemingly cobbled together haphazardly from a set of mismatched parts. When one considers the fact that the platypus has under it's wide, beaver-like tail a poison quill that can cause paralysis and even death in humans, it's little wonder that naturalist Charles Darwin called the duckbilled platypus "An abomination in the eyes of man and God."

Show image of Charles Darwin. DOLLY BACK to reveal it is a framed portrait, hanging in a tastefully appointed library, decorated with natural safari memorabilia. Behind the desk is the distinguished NARRATOR, looking intently at the viewer.

NARRATOR (CONT'D)
We at The Show agree, and urge our viewers to join us in taking the necessary steps.

NARRATOR stands and pulls down a chart of a platypus with crosshairs superimposed on it.

NARRATOR (CONT'D)
If you see a platypus, don't hesitate. Destroy it on sight. Shoot to kill. If you don't own a firearm, consider buying one. If you can't afford one, find a large rock or heavy stick and smash it's hideous, misshapen head. The method doesn't matter, just KILL THE PLATYPUS! Kill it! Kill it anyway you can! Thank you.

*****

TEXAS PRAIRIE DOG

The scene begins in an industrial rental store. Rototillers and chain saws are lined up in rows. ROGER sits behind the counter looking bored and watching the last shot of Duckbilled Platypus on TV. A Man in a business suit (PETE) walks in looking somewhat drunk and very curious. PETE looks at the rototillers for a moment, scoffs, then moves on to look at snowblowers.

ROGER
Can I help you?

PETE
No, just browsing a bit. Thanks.

ROGER
Let me know if you need any help.

PETE
Will do.

After a moment, ROGER decides to go to the back room where he sees his supervisor JIMMY smoking a cigarette.

ROGER
I think it's that guy you were talking about.

JIMMY
What guy?

ROGER
You know, the guy you said not to rent anything to.

JIMMY
What's he look like?

ROGER
Average height, brown hair, glasses.

JIMMY
Wearing a suit?

ROGER
Yep.

JIMMY
That's the guy.

ROGER
Well, what do I do?

JIMMY
Don't rent him anything.

ROGER
That's it?

JIMMY
That's it.

ROGER
Why not?

JIMMY
They didn't tell you?

ROGER
Didn't tell me.

JIMMY
Shoulda told you.

ROGER
I know.

JIMMY
This guy, for some reason, likes to get drunk as hell and rent industrial equipment.

ROGER
No shit?

JIMMY
No shit. After what happened last time they said he can't rent nothing here anymore.

ROGER
Well I can understand, the guy looks drunk as hell.

JIMMY
I know.

ROGER
So what did he do last time?

JIMMY
Lemme think. Oh yeah, he got a rototiller and tried to rototill the freeway.

ROGER
No shit.

JIMMY
No shit. Big ol' mess, too. He actually tilled up a good-sized chunk of the I-60.

ROGER
Damn. Must be one hell of a tiller.

JIMMY
Made in Dallas.

ROGER
Well all right then.

They are interrupted by the sound of a chainsaw buzzing.

ROGER (CONT'D)
I guess I better check on that.

JIMMY
Guess so.

ROGER walks out to the shop where the man is buzzing in the air with the chain saw. He has a large grin on his face. Keeping his distance ROGER waves him down.

ROGER
Howdy.

PETE
Howdy.

ROGER
Do you like the saw?

PETE
It's all right. How much per day?

ROGER
Twenty bucks a day, plus deposit.

PETE
Not bad. Got anything bigger?

ROGER
We got a three footer but its' out till Wednesday.

PETE
Damn shame.

ROGER
I guess.

PETE
Do you have a backhoe?

ROGER
Thought you wanted a chain saw?

PETE
Yeah but if a backhoe is all you have then it will have to do.

ROGER
You want to cut down a tree with a backhoe?

PETE
Nope.

ROGER waits for further explanation but doesn't get one.

ROGER
Well all right then. Let me check in the back.

ROGER heads to the back room where JIMMY is still smoking.

JIMMY
What's he want this time?

ROGER
Backhoe.

JIMMY
No shit.

ROGER
No shit. He wanted the three foot saw but it's out.

JIMMY
What the hell does he want with a backhoe?

ROGER
Didn't say.

JIMMY
Don't surprise me after what he did with the jackhammer.

ROGER
What did he do with the jackhammer?

JIMMY
Used it to put a sunroof on his car.

ROGER
Damn!

JIMMY
That's what the cops said when they pulled him over. Did you know it's not illegal to jackhammer a sunroof into your car while driving down the freeway.

ROGER
No shit.

JIMMY
No shit. Cops weren't so happy with the fact that he was drunk but the jackhammer was just fine.

ROGER
Damn. Now lemme get this straight. You rented him the rototiller after he jack hammered a sunroof into his car?

JIMMY
Yup.

ROGER
Why?

JIMMY
That's complicated.

ROGER
You'll have to explain it to me sometime.

JIMMY
I oughta explain it to you now. You see, that guy, when he wants something, He'll give you these puppy dog eyes.

ROGER
Puppy dog eyes?

JIMMY
Puppy dog eyes. He'll look at you and his eyes swell up and they look like they're about to cry and he puts his bottom lip out. It's the most pathetic thing you've ever seen.

ROGER
So you gave him the tiller 'cause he looked like a dog?

JIMMY
You don't understand. It's like Yoda or something.

ROGER
Yoda?

JIMMY
Yoda. Be careful out there and don't make eye contact, whatever you do.

ROGER
All right then.

ROGER walks back out where the MAN is waiting at the counter.

ROGER (CONT'D)
I'm sorry sir, it's out for the day. Maybe you should try again tomorrow.

PETE responds by giving him the Puppy Dog Eyes. ROGER freaks and tries to look away.

ROGER (CONT'D)
I'm real sorry sir. We just don't have one.

PETE just keeps staring.

ROGER (CONT'D)
Look, I'll check the back one last time.

ROGER heads to the back room.

ROGER (CONT'D)
Oh my God! It's horrible. I feel like I backed over his kitten with my truck.

JIMMY
Be strong man!

ROGER
I can't go back out there. You'll have to tell him no. I can't.

JIMMY
(Slapping ROGER))
Get a hold of yourself Roger! He's just a man!

ROGER
Then you go out there.

JIMMY
This is something you need to do on your own. You need to go out there and tell him that we can't give him the backhoe.

ROGER
Jimmy!

JIMMY
Go!

Reluctantly ROGER goes back out, looking away from the MAN the whole time.

ROGER
Look, sir. We just can't let you have the backhoe.

PETE starts to whimper.

ROGER (CONT'D)
It's not me it's a managerial thing, they set the rules it wasn't me at all I swear.

PETE whimpers more loudly and maneuvers his head to make eye contact with ROGER. Finally he catches his eye. ROGER is stopped suddenly like a deer in headlights.

ROGER (CONT'D)
Oh Jesus. I can't.

PETE whimpers more.

ROGER (CONT'D)
You'll do something crazy with it.

PETE shakes his head from side to side no. ROGER struggles as he reaches behind the counter and pulls out a set of keys. As he holds them up the MANS' eyes light up. He is now an eager puppy waiting for his ball.

ROGER (CONT'D)
You promise to be good.

PETE nods.

ROGER (CONT'D)
Not to do anything stupid.

PETE nods more eagerly.

ROGER (CONT'D)
All right then.

ROGER hands MAN the keys and he skips out the door. As ROGER stands there defeated, JIMMY comes up from behind.

JIMMY
Gave him the backhoe?

ROGER
Yep.

JIMMY
Don't take it too hard.

Mid Shot of JIMMY and ROGER. JIMMY slaps ROGER on and around the shoulder in a weird sporadic fashion. The camera pans down, or a wipe pans down to show two Muppet-style puppets each with an arm in the air in the places of JIMMY and ROGER. They are stifling laughter. Words appear on the screen that are read aloud by an announcer.

ANNOUNCER
This episode of the show was brought to you entirely by Muppets *tm. And by the letter "Q." Maker of Quixotic and Quasimodo.

Shot pans out from a beat-up television on a T.V. stand in the middle of a bare, black set. The Television goes from Muppets to fuzz then turns off. The "At home" screen turns to static and then "Off."

(FADE OUT)