By Michael Olsen
(The scene begins with two bears, MAX and DAVE, standing in a stream looking for salmon. They are pretty relaxed about it.
After a moment, MAX looks over his shoulder.)
MAX: Geeze, would you look at that guy.
(Dave turns around. In the distance we see another bear rolling and playing in a field of daisies. Observing his play is a Discovery Channel camera crew.)
DAVE: Aww, man.
MAX: What the hell does he think he's doing.
DAVE: Sucking up for the camera.
MAX: Yeah great, so a bunch of shmucks can watch him on TV and think 'Boy, bears are cute cuddly things that like to play and roll in the daisies.' Christ.
MAX: It's more than that though. This whole cute cuddly image is a pain in the ass. Just last week, I'm over by the dumpsters, and I see this guy playing with a ball in the picnic area.
MAX: So he's got this ball and he sees me.
DAVE: Big ball?
MAX: Pretty big, like for kickball or something. Anyways, he sees me and thinks it would be real cute if he rolled the ball at me, like he wanted me to play with it.
DAVE: Maybe he wanted you to stand on it like one of them Russian circus bears.
MAX:Yeah. So here I am, the most fierce animal in the forest and shithead is rolling a ball at me like I'm some circus commie.
DAVE: Man. So what did you do?
MAX: What could I do? I tore his face off. Asshole.
DAVE: That'll teach him.
MAX: Yeah, but I guess it's a little hard to wake up and smell the coffee when you don't have a nose!
(They share an evil chuckle. MAX dips his head in the water and comes up with a salmon. He deftly tosses it onto the bank with his teeth.)
MAX: I tell ya, somewhere along the line bears got screwed. All you see nowadays are these sissy, nicey-nice little bears like that moron over there.
DAVE: Tell me about it. Have you seen that Coca-Cola Polar Bear?
MAX: I shudder at the thought of him. They're all like that now. Winnie the Pooh, what the hell is that?
DAVE: That guy needs medication. Paxil or something. Pooh ain't right, man.
MAX: Get some for that blue freakin' donkey while you're at it. Shit's starting to get on my nerves.
DAVE: Yeah, and what about Gentle Ben?
MAX: (Shakes his head) Uncle Tom Motherfu...!
DAVE: (Interrupts) That little bastard Timmy, was that his name?
MAX: Think so.
DAVE: Who the hell does he think he is, having a bear for a pet?
MAX: If I was Gentle Ben I'd chew on the punk. I swear to God I'd slather him in mayonnaise and mustard, plop him between two bigass slices of bread and I'd have a God damn Timmy sandwich.
DAVE: And that Disney Bear Country thing. Bunch of redneck bears picking banjos.
MAX: Anybody comes near me with a banjo, I'd eat them too.
DAVE: Now heres a question. What do you think of Yogi bear? I mean, techinically his mission is to antagonize that prissy ass Ranger, but is that really a Pro-Bear image we should be proud of?
MAX: You raise a valid point. I mean, sure he steals from the Ranger, but he also wears a tie and hat. That reeks of a bear not happy with who he is. He's got Ranger envy. He's in opposition to the ranger, not because he is a bear, but because he, Yogi, is not a human.
DAVE: That was deep man. You think that out yourself?
MAX: Do I shit in the woods?
DAVE: It's a good point.
MAX: I'm glad you appreciate it. I put a lot of thought into the issue. Still, the more I tried to put myself into Yogi's shoes, the more I realized that if he were really Pro-Bear he'd forget about those picnic baskets and chomp some Ranger skull.
(There is an awkward silence for a moment. DAVE looks at MAX, then speaks.)
DAVE: You know, you talk about that a lot.
MAX: Talk about what?
DAVE: You know, eating people.
MAX: So? They piss me off.
DAVE: I know. It just sounds like you might have some anger issues, the way you always talk about eating people.
MAX: What am I supposed to do, write an editorial? Express my deep disappointment in the representation of my kind in the media, I'm a fucking bear!
DAVE: But don't you think...
MAX: Should I just hug and kiss the humans, say "Let's be friends?" Hand them a Coke and let them scratch my soft inner belly? I won't do it!
DAVE: I know, geeze. But, you know...
MAX: All I know is that I am a bear, and bears, from time to time, eat people. It's who I am and if you're not ready to buck up, act like a bear and eat a person, then you should be off rolling in daisies for the Discovery Channel.
DAVE: I'm sorry man! I just wanted to make sure you were, you know, okay.
MAX: I'm fine! (Throws paws in the air.)
DAVE: You know what I'm thinking.
MAX: No, what?
DAVE: Well, those people over there. That little dumbass has them distracted. We could head off into the woods, minding our own business, then sneak up behind them.
MAX: Damn, thats' good.
DAVE: Damn right. Eat 'em right there in front of the camera so all they find is footage of digging our noses into those poor bastards lower intestines.
MAX: That would be so just. Let's go.
DAVE: All right, act natural. (They start into the woods.) Hey, you still got that honey mustard? (Offscreen.)