Subliminal Revenge by Matlock Zumsteg

(Scene opens on a man (Leonard) sitting in his cubical, working on paperwork. He looks frustrated at the amount of work piled on his desk. Just then, a heavy set/muscular gentleman carries in a huge pile of paperwork and dumps it on Leonard’s desk.)

Adolf: Hey Leonard! I saw how much you were enjoying your paperwork there, so I thought I’d bring a little more joy into your life! And don’t think I haven’t noticed the hard work you’ve been putting in around here for the past… How longs it been now?

Leonard: Four years.

Adolf: Whatever. Before you know it, that first raise may be right around the corner… Of course, if you’ve been working this hard at your current salary, you may not ever need one! (Adolf laughs as he walks off.)

Leonard: Thanks! (Under his breath) Adolf.

(Adolf walks into his beautiful office, as Bob walks past him on his way to Leonard’s’ desk.)

Bob: Is Adolf giving you a hard time again?

Leonard: Yeah, it’s nothin’ new though. He’s been like this ever since I knew him in grade school. I kinda liked the little moustache he used to sport back then though. (Placing his index finger to his upper-lip.)

Bob: Wait a second. You’ve known him since grade school?

Leonard: Oh, sure. Adolf and I, we go way back.

(Fade to dream sequence. Both Leonard and Adolf are in grade-school boy’s attire; Leonard is seated behind a small schooldesk. Adolf walks up.)

Adolf: Hey Leo! My paper’s due at the end of recess, Get an A, and I’ll leave you a quarter of your lunch money.

Leonard: Yes sir.

Adolf: See you for your three o’clock appointment?

Leonard: Are the beatings still necessary?

Adolf: Please! It’s "Combat training." And yes they are. I need to practice if I’m gonna impress the chicks when I get to Junior High. How else am I gonna get laid?

Leonard: Do you even know what that means?

Adolf: According to my dad, ‘a lot of responsibility, pain and money if you get her knocked out.’

Leonard: Don’t you mean, ‘knocked up?’

Adolf: Either way… (He walks off. Leonard goes back to work. Scene fades back into the office setting.)

Bob: you’re kidding! Was he that bad?

Leonard: He’s worse now.

Bob: How so?

Leonard: (pointing) See that woman he’s with?

(Shot through his office window shows Adolf with a woman on his knee.)

Bob: The trick turner?

Leonard: That’s my wife.

Bob: (Gasp) The trick turner?

Leonard: Was my wife, at least. She’s part of his harem now.

Bob: Why don’t you just leave?

Leonard: Some of his business deals are too shady. It’s like that movie, Devils Advocate. No one gets out of here alive.

(Bob gives a gulp of dismay.)

Leonard: But, I’ve got a plan. I’ve been working on this idea for years now. The ultimate revenge. (He pulls a cassette tape from his pocket.) I bought him a tape.

Bob: Yanni? Barbara Striesand?

Leonard: Even worse. A subliminal self-hypnosis tape.

Bob: Oh, I see. You’re gonna make him into a better person through subconscious messages…?

Leonard: No no no. Trust me on this one. Are you free for lunch tomorrow?

Bob: Sure.

Leonard: Good. Then you’ll see what I mean.

(Just then Adolf walks up.)

Adolf: Quit your insubordination. Stop gabbing and get back to work, Leonard! And you! (addressing Bob) Do you work here?

Bob: Yes, sir! Top salesman in this sector!

Adolf: Great. You’re fired.

Bob: Yes, sir! Cleaning out my desk and filing for unemployment! (Walks off.)

Adolf: I like his spirit. Remind me to give him a raise.

Leonard: Sir, I have a present for you. (Holding out the tape.)

Adolf: (taking the tape.) What’s this?

Leonard: A subliminal message tape for improving your sexual prowess. Listen to it while you sleep and you’ll become the greatest lover in the world.

Adolf: Better sex through sleeping? Well, I’ll try anything once. (A sheep baaas in the background.) Not that I need this, but thank you, Leonard. (He begins to walk off, then turns and walks back.) By the way, if this is your way of coaxing a promotion out of me it won’t work. We don’t take kindly to bribery in this office. (He exits. Leonard begins to smile.)

(Cut to Adolf getting ready for bed. He puts the tape into a tape player. Gentle music starts to play and he falls asleep. Time passes.)

Tape: After executing the triple lundy and landing backwards in the two and a half layout position, you will…(Leonards’ voice interupts.)…urinate whenever you eat pretzels. Yeah, and uh…oh, common topics of conversation while conversing with women will reveal youe deepest, darkest secrets. In fact…(The scene fades out.)

(Next scene shows Leonard sitting at a bar. Bob walks up to him.)

Bob: I just saw him come through the door.

Leonard: Great. Just sit back and watch. (Adolf joins them at the bar.) Adolf! Buddy! Thanks for coming by. I thought it’d be nice to, y’know, have a couple of drinks outside the office environment, to kinda get to know each other.

Adolf: You buying?

Leonard: Um…sure, why not?

Adolf: Bartender? Five vodka shooters. Line ‘em up and keep em coming. And hurry it up, I gotta be back in the office by three.

(In the background the bartender begins to pour.)

Leonard: (Aside to Bob) Just watch this. Uh…so Adolf? What’s your favorite kind of sandwich?

Adolf: (scratches his head) Meatball sub. (Takes a shot.)

Leonard: (To Bob) Y’see that?

Bob: See what?

Leonard: He scratched his head when I said "sandwich!"

Bob: So?

Leonard: So…I programmed him to do that with the tape!

Bob: So you can make him scratch his head. Big deal.

Leonard: Here, I’ll try another one. (Turns to Adolf.) Adolf, what’s your sign?

Adolf: (Begins to remove his shirt.) Leo. And if you don’t stop asking me these stupid questions, I’m gonna kick your ass.

Bob: (Whispers) Oh my God!

Leonard: (To Bob) That’s nothing. When you say accordian, he takes off his pants and…

Adolf: Hey! Keep it down over there! I can’t hear myself drink! (He laughs at his own joke.)

Bob: (To Leonard) Can I try one?

Leonard: Sure. Say "trumpet."

Bob: Adolf, I used to take trumpet lessons, you know…

(Adolf tugs on his right ear, his eyes roll back in his head and while snorting through his nose he says: "Narf, narf, narf.")

Adolf: (Recomposed) Fascinating, really. Listen, you two pissants interrogate each other for a while. I’ve got my eye on a sweet piece of bait.

(Adolf gets up and walks to the end of the bar where an attractive woman is sitting alone.)

Adolf: Hey…

Woman: Hello.

(Adolf grabs the bowl of pretzels off the bar.)

Adolf: Hey, I’ve seen you around here before, haven’t I?

Woman: I don’t think so.

Adolf: I’m sure I have. (He bites into a pretzel.) I think about you when I masturbate sometimes. (A large wet spot appears on his pants as we hear peeing sound.) I have a friend who plays the trumpet. (He does the narfing again.) I was outside his window last night. He takes the longest showers.

Woman: (Shocked beyond belief) You’re sick!

(Prompted by the word "sick" Adolf grabs her breasts and screams "Woozle, wuzzle!" She slaps him and runs out the door. He runs after her.)

Adolf: Wait! I’m sorry!

Bob: (As Adolf runs out the door.) Hey Adolf, ACCORDIAN!

(A womans’ screams can be heard outside.)


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TEXAS PRARIE DOG by Michael Olsen

(The scene begins in an industrial rental store. Rototillers and chain saws are lined up in rows. ROGER sits behind the counter looking bored when a man in a business suit walks in looking somewhat drunk and very curious. He looks at the rototillers for a moment, scoffs, then moves on to look at snowblowers.)

ROGER: Can I help you?

MAN: No, just browsing a bit. Thanks.

ROGER: Let me know if you need any help.

MAN: Will do.

(After a moment, ROGER decides to go to the back room where he sees his supervisor JIMMY smoking a cigarette.)

ROGER: I think it’s that guy you were talking about.

JIMMY: What guy?

ROGER: You know, the guy you said not to rent anything to.

JIMMY: What’s he look like?

ROGER: Average height, brown hair, glasses.

JIMMY: Wearing a suit?


JIMMY: That’s the guy.

ROGER: Well, what do I do?

JIMMY: Don’t rent him anything.

ROGER: That’s it?

JIMMY: That’s it.

ROGER: Why not?

JIMMY: They didn’t tell you?

ROGER: Didn’t tell me.

JIMMY: Shoulda told you.

ROGER: I know.

JIMMY: This guy, for some reason, likes to get drunk as hell and rent industrial equipment.

ROGER: No shit?

JIMMY: No shit. After what happened last time they said he can’t rent nothing here anymore.

ROGER: Well I can understand, the guy looks drunk as hell.

JIMMY: I know.

ROGER: So what did he do last time?

JIMMY: Lemme think. Oh yeah, he got a rototiller and tried to rototill the freeway.

ROGER: No shit.

JIMMY: No shit. Big ol’ mess, too. He actually tilled up a good-sized chunk of the I-60.

ROGER: Damn. Must be one hell of a tiller.

JIMMY: Made in Dallas.

ROGER: Well all right then.

(They are interrupted by the sound of a chainsaw buzzing.)

ROGER: I guess I better check on that.

JIMMY: Guess so.

(ROGER walks out to the shop where the man is buzzing in the air with the chain saw. He has a large grin on his face. Keeping his distance ROGER waves him down.)

ROGER: Howdy.

MAN: Howdy.

ROGER: Do you like the saw?

MAN: It’s all right. How much per day?

ROGER: Twenty bucks a day, plus deposit.

MAN: Not bad. Got anything bigger?

ROGER: We got a three footer but its’ out till Wednesday.

MAN: Damn shame.

ROGER: I guess.

MAN: Do you have a backhoe?

ROGER: Thought you wanted a chain saw?

MAN: Yeah but if a backhoe is all you have then it will have to do.

ROGER: You want to cut down a tree with a backhoe?

MAN: Nope.

(ROGER waits for further explanation but doesn’t get one.)

ROGER: Well all right then. Let me check in the back.

(ROGER heads to the back room where JIMMY is still smoking.)

JIMMY: What’s he want this time?

ROGER: Backhoe.

JIMMY: No shit.

ROGER: No shit. He wanted the three foot saw but it’s out.

JIMMY: What the hell does he want with a backhoe?

ROGER: Didn’t say.

JIMMY: Don’t surprise me after what he did with the jackhammer.

ROGER: What did he do with the jackhammer?

JIMMY: Used it to put a sunroof on his car.

ROGER: Damn!

JIMMY: That’s what the cops said when they pulled him over. Did you know it’s not illegal to jackhammer a sunroof into your car while driving down the freeway.

ROGER: No shit.

JIMMY: No shit. Cops weren’t so happy with the fact that he was drunk but the jackhammer was just fine.

ROGER: Damn. Now lemme get this straight. You rented him the rototiller after he jack hammered a sunroof into his car?



JIMMY: That’s complicated.

ROGER: You’ll have to explain it to me sometime.

JIMMY: I oughta explain it to you now. You see, that guy, when he wants something, He’ll give you these puppy dog eyes.

ROGER: Puppy dog eyes?

JIMMY: Puppy dog eyes. He’ll look at you and his eyes swell up and they look like they’re about to cry and he puts his bottom lip out. It’s the most pathetic thing you’ve ever seen.

ROGER: So you gave him the tiller ‘cause he looked like a dog?

JIMMY: You don’t understand. It’s like Yoda or something.

ROGER: Yoda?

JIMMY: Yoda. Be careful out there and don’t make eye contact, whatever you do.

ROGER: All right then.

(ROGER walks back out where the MAN is waiting at the counter.)

ROGER: I’m sorry sir, it’s out for the day. Maybe you should try again tomorrow.

(The MAN responds by giving him the Puppy Dog Eyes. ROGER freaks and tries to look away.

ROGER: I’m real sorry sir. We just don’t have one.

(The MAN just keeps staring.)

ROGER: Look, I’ll check the back one last time.

(He heads to the back room.)

ROGER: Oh my God! It’s horrible. I feel like I backed over his kitten with my truck.

JIMMY: Be strong man!

ROGER: I can’t go back out there. You’ll have to tell him no. I can’t.

JIMMY: (Slapping ROGER) Get a hold of yourself Roger! He’s just a man!

ROGER: Then you go out there.

JIMMY: This is something you need to do on your own. You need to go out there and tell him that we can’t give him the backhoe.

ROGER: Jimmy!


(Reluctantly ROGER goes back out, looking away from the MAN the whole time.)

ROGER: Look, sir. We just can’t let you have the backhoe.

(MAN starts to whimper.)

ROGER: It’s not me it’s a managerial thing, they set the rules it wasn’t me at all I swear.

(The MAN whimpers more loudly and maneuvers his head to make eye contact with ROGER. Finally he catches his eye. ROGER is stopped suddenly like a deer in headlights.)

ROGER: Oh Jesus. I can’t.

(The MAN whimpers more.)

ROGER: You’ll do something crazy with it.

(The MAN shakes his head from side to side no. ROGER struggles as he reaches behind the counter and pulls out a set of keys. As he holds them up the MANS’ eyes light up. He is now an eager puppy waiting for his ball.)

ROGER: You promise to be good.

(MAN nods.)

ROGER: Not to do anything stupid.

(MAN nods more eagerly.)

ROGER: All right then.

(ROGER hands MAN the keys and he skips out the door. As ROGER stands there defeated, JIMMY comes up from behind.)

JIMMY: Gave him the backhoe?


JIMMY: Don’t take it too hard.


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THE INTERVIEW by Matlock Zumsteg

(Scene opens from transition. Host John Knight walking onto television talk show set from THE SANDLOT, sits in his chair and dumps sand out of a shoe. Two guest chairs sit opposite him. A professional looking couple is led onstage by the stage manager wearing a headset.)

JOHN: Hello, you must be Bill. (Shakes hand.) And Jillian, nice to meet you. (Shakes hand.) Pleasure to have you on the show today.

BILL: It’s great to be here.

JILLIAN: Nice to meet you, Georg.

JOHN: Uh, it’s John.

JILLIAN: Oh, sorry.

JOHN: So I take it you folks are familiar with the show?

BILL: Well…

JILLIAN: Actually, well, we’ve heard good things about it. Our agent said he read about you somewhere and said the show sounded really great.

JOHN: Okay, well then there are a few things I should go over with you before we start. You see, well, we do things a little differently…my best advice is to hang in there, don’t get nervous, and be prepared for anything. You jerk off a lot, Bill?

BILL: Wha…(Just then stage lights come up and cameras close in on them. Music swells and audience applause is heard.)

JOHN: And we’re back with Bill and Jillian Rigby, authors of the new book, "You Bought It, You Eat It." (Turns to Jillian.) Now, Jillian, I understand that the original title of the book was "I’m Oblivious To My Philandering Husband." Why the change?"

JILLIAN: (Obviously shocked and confused) What? No, that’s not right. (Looks at BILL confusedly. BILL looks nervous and readjusts.)

JOHN: Enough about the book. Bill, how long exactly have you been cheating on Jillian.

BILL: (Laughs nervously and looks directly into the camera.) I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.

JILLIAN: What’s going on here?

JOHN: You can’t deny rock solid evidence, Bill. Can we see the clip? (Clip: Hand held camera is following a man in BILL’s suit and a Ronald Reagan mask up a flight of stairs. The man turns to the camera and gives the thumbs up, then walks into a bedroom. There’s an actress playing a whore on the bed. The man jumps on the bed on all fours and starts bouncing as the actress moans exaggeratedly. Cut back to show.)

JILLIAN: That’s you, you jerk! (She slaps BILL.)

BILL: It most certainly was not me! (Turns to John) Why you dirty…

JOHN: Isn’t it true that your last "business" (quotes with his fingers) trip was actually a wild fling in Vegas with your daughters’ best friend? We have the pictures, Bill. (Audience laughs, then applauds.)

JILLIAN: How dare you, Bill!

BILL: (Nervously) I don’t know anything about this, honey!

JOHN: And Jillian, how do you explain your three-day stint as a crack whore in New York while Bill was on his "business" (Quotes with fingers) trip?

JILLIAN: I only did crack twice! And I never charged money for sex! (She covers her mouth in shock.)

JOHN: (Turns to camera.) We’ll be right back with the conclusion of this riveting story right after this commercial break. (Turns back to BILL and JILLIAN as cameras stop rolling.) That was perfect, you guys are doing fantastic, much better than we anticipated! Well, except that Jillian, you need to hike up your skirt a little, and Bill, why don’t you do the rest of the show shirtless. (Motions offstage) Guys?(Two men wearing headphones dash onstage. They pull JILLIAN’s skirt up around her chest, baring her legs, and one of them rips BILL’s shirt off completely, then they dash offstage.

BILL: (While men are making adjustments) What the hell is this? We thought we were here to talk about our…(Stagehand rips his shirt off)…book!

JOHN: What we’re going for is the ultimate in shock-reality TV. You guys and your honest reactions are doing wonders for my ratings. And damn, did you both have a lot of dirt to throw back at you! (Shuffles through some papers.) Hoo, this is great!

JILLIAN: I’m not staying another minute! (She stands up, trying to pull her skirt down. Lights come on, cameras come in, and music swells. She sits quickly as to not expose herself on national TV.)

JOHN: And now the shocking conclusion to the Bill and Jillian Rigby story. Tell me, Bill. Can you still smell that body you buried under your house?

JILLIAN: So that’s what that smell was!

BILL: (Reaches for wallet) Alright, Mr. Knight, how much do you want?

JOHN: For what, Bill?

BILL: (Points to camera) For the tapes. Name your price.

JOHN: Ooh, sorry Bill, but this is LIVE TELEVISION! (Audience cheers.) And now for the portion of the show where we drop cutlery on the guests! (Wacky music plays as BILL and JILLIAN look at each other horrified. Pan up to see a shot of the stage manager on a ladder, throwing handfuls of silverware down onto the stage and laughing gleefully, we can hear the screams of the guests. As camera pans over to show the monitor with the words GEORGE’S AUTO SHOP over GEORGE’s face on it, we hear JOHN saying things like "Uh oh, Bill, looks like you won’t be using that eye again! Isn’t this fun, folks?" Cheering is heard. Cut to GEORGE in AUTOMOTIVE JESUS. Smooth transition with face still on monitor with GEORGE’s real face.)


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The Sandlot-A Three Part Sketch by Melissa Gordon and Matlock Zumsteg

Part One

(Scene opens on a man, LAWRENCE in the desert. He is running around screaming nonsense gibberish with his pants strapped to his head with his belt, wearing a heavy sweater, completely covered with dust and grime. He stops, looks at the camera, and then walks up close to it.)

LAWRENCE: (Screams) DID YOU KNOW…THAT A MAN CAN SURVIVE…IN THE DESERT SUN…FOR OVER FIVE DAYS…WITHOUT WATER?(Pauses very briefly for answer) NEITHER DID I! I WISH I WAS DEAD! (Jogs back to where he started walking across the screen the first time and begins walking the same direction again.)

Part Two

(LAWRENCE is now crawling through the exact same scene, obviously more exhausted. A man in a business suit walks up to him from same direction and looks down at him. LAWRENCE looks up and reaches a hand up for help. Man in business suit looks up, straightens tie and resumes walking past LAWRENCE. LEAD IN: Camera follows guy in suit to next scene on a soundstage. He sits down in his chair onstage as Host John Knight in INTERVIEW sketch.

Part Two Point Five

(LAWRENCE crawling in desert again. This time, JESUS and his group of mechanic disciples walk through, and one [JUDAS?] steps right on LAWRENCE. They pass and LAWRENCE reaches after them with a weak "hey!")

Part Three

(LAWRENCE is now just laying on the same scene, twitching. Camera switches to his POVof sun in sky as his "vision" blurs in and out. Then close up on his weathered face, then another POV of the sun, then a shot of his bloodshot eye, then back to POV of sky. Some guy walks up and looks over into the POV shot.)

SOME GUY: Are you okay, man?

LAWRENCE: (Groans hoarsely.) Kill…me…

SOME GUY: Have you been drinking?

LAWRENCE: No...I need water…

SOME GUY: I think that store over there sells Evian. (Shot of convenience store with kids playing outside. Kids start running offscreen. )

SOME GUY: How long have you been laying in this sandlot?

LAWRENCE: (Gets up mumbling "Sandlot?" as the kids from the front of the store run past scene giggling.)Oh. Thanks. (LAWRENCE walks over to the convenience store, then walks out with a "Big Gulp" and goes back to walking in circles across "desert" sipping his drink as credits roll. After they have run their course, he trips and spills the entire thing on the ground. Then groans "WATER!" and continues to stumble across screen.)


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