by Matlock Zumsteg
(A woman [man in drag?] in stereotypical 50s housewife garb stands in the kitchen mixing batter. She looks around, then sneakily licks some batter from the mixing spoon. The front door opens. She spits the batter back into the mixture and continues mixing. In runs a young boy.)
BILLY: Mom! Look what followed me home from school! Can I keep him? Please?
(In walks a man, mid-twenties, smoking a cigarette with a blank look on his face.)
MOTHER: Oh Billy. Now you know you dont know how to take care of a smoker. Weve never had one before. They make a terrible mess, they smell bad. And, when we moved in, the owner said specifically "No smokers." Plus they cost so much
BILLY: Ill get a job, okay, and we can keep him in the backyard! Please Mom! I LOVE him! (Billy hugs the smokers arm tightly. The smoker looks at the boy, then ashes his cigarette on the boys head.)
MOTHER: Well he is kind of cute. All right, you can keep him. But only until we find his family.
BILLY: Yeah! (He jumps up and down excitedly whilst the smoker continues to smoke nonchalantly. Boy looks up at him lovingly.) I think Ill name him Sparky.
(Next shot: evening. Close up of SPARKYS hand, unsuccessfully trying to ignite a lighter to light his cigarette. Pan out to show full shot of SPARKY standing on the back porch in a small backyard. He gets the lighter lit, looks at an empty cigarette pack in his hand and shakes it, frowning. BILLY walks out in footed pajamas.)
BILLY: Hey Sparks! I snuck out to say goodnight.
(Sparky shakes his empty cigarette pack in the air at BILLY and grunts to indicate that hes out.)
BILLY: I know, boy. I got something for ya.
(BILLY holds out a dog dish filled with cigarettes and an ashtray filled with water from behind his back. He sets them down in front of SPARKY, who has been staring at the smokes in the bowl. BILLY holds his hand out to SPARKY.)
BILLY: Well? Cmon boy, shake!
(SPARKY stares for a second, then reluctantly takes BILLYS hand and shakes it. A close-up shot of BILLYS face shows a tear run down his cheek dramatically.)
BILLY: Ill never let anything happen to you, boy!
(BILLY hugs SPARKY tightly, pinning his arms to his sides. SPARKY tries to smoke his cigarette around the boys shoulder. He pulls away, takes a drag, and pats BILLY on the head.
BILLY: Gnight boy.
(BILLY goes back into the house. SPARKY lifts the ashtray to his mouth and drinks from it. Next shot is of BILLY sneaking through the dark kitchen. MOTHER comes in and flips on the light.
MOTHER: Billy? You let Sparky in the house today, didnt you?
BILLY: (Shuffling his feet.) No.
MOTHER: Well then how do you explain the ash-stains on the rug and the butts in your fathers slippers?
BILLY: Im sorry. I just love him is all.
MOTHER: Well, how about you take Sparky to the park tomorrow?
BILLY: Yeah! Great idea, Mom!
BILLY: Love ya, gnight!
(BILLY runs off screen. Next shot daytime. BILLY is running down the sidewalk.)
BILLY: Cmon Sparks! (BILLY jogs past the shot smiling broadly. A few seconds later SPARKY comes into the shot, visibly out of breath. He stops centerscreen and bends, putting his hands on his knees and coughs.)
(Next shot shows SPARKY sitting on a park bench. BILLY waves a ball in front of him to attract his attention, then throws it offscreen. SPARKY has no response. BILLY sighs and runs offscreen after the ball himself. BILLY brings the ball back and shows it to SPARKY, still smiling unwittingly. SPARKY stares blankly, then, after a good beat, flicks the cigarette butt at BILLYS head.)
(Next shot shows SPARKY pacing back in forth in the backyard, smoking.)
MOTHER: (From offscreen) Billy! Its been a while, time to clean up after Sparky.
(BILLY walks onscreen carrying a dustpan and broom.)
BILLY: (Calls over his shoulder) Im doing it now, Mom! (BILLY squats and a close up shows that hes sweeping cigarette butts, ash and dog poo into the dustpan.)
BILLY: (Frustrated) Mom, can Sparky use the guest bathroom?
MOTHER: Absolutely not, hell leave stains.
BILLY: (Looks up at SPARKY and shrugs.) Sorry boy. (SPARKY shrugs in a "dont sweat it" fashion.)
(Next shot: morning. BILLY stands at the top of the stairs in pajamas and stretches, as if just having woken up, then jogs happily downstairs. Next shot is the kitchen, where MOTHER is staring worriedly out the window. BILLY skips in.)
BILLY: Hi Mom! Whats for breakfast? (Sits at table.)
MOTHER: Billy honey, I think somethings wrong with Sparky. Youd better come have a look. (BILLY runs to the window distressed.)
(Next shot shows SPARKY through the window, lying half-conscious on the back porch smoking. Between drags he violently coughs up red and white fluids.)
MOTHER: (Kneeling to take BILLY by the shoulders.) Honey, I think Sparky has cancer. Should I call the shelter and have him put down?
BILLY: (Close up on face as tears well up in his eyes.) No! (Sets his jaw and turns back toward the window dramatically.) He was my smoker. Ill do it.
(BILLY steps onto the porch with a shotgun where SPARKY is laying. He aims it at SPARKYS breast pocket, which contains a cigarette pack. Close up on BILLYS face. He takes a breath, looks down the barrel and a shot is heard. Fade into next scene, we hear a toilet flush. BILLY and MOTHER are standing in the bathroom. BILLY is shoving a severed arm down the toilet. BILLY wipes his brow.)
MOTHER: Yes son?
BILLY: Now that Sparkys gone, can we get another smoker?
MOTHER: Well see, Billy. Well see. (Pats him comfortingly as he returns to shoving the arm down. Another flush is heard as the camera pans away. BILLY says offscreen "Next time, Ill get a younger one. Theyre more playful.")
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|SOCKO by Matlock
Zumsteg and Ken Haus
(Scene opens a a regular guy sitting on a toilet in a public restroom stall, reading a newspaper. A voice comes from somewhere.)
VOICE: Hey you.
(Man looks around and goes back to his paper unconcerned.)
VOICE: Yeah, you with the paper.
(Man looks around confusedly.)
VOICE: Whatcha doin?
JOHN: Im just trying to have some privacy here.
VOICE: Oh yeah?
VOICE: Wanna know what Im doin?
(JOHN starts to get annoyed, then curious. )
JOHN: Okay, yeah.
(Uncomfortable silence, then he hears pooping sounds from the stall next to him.Cut to JOHNs POV as he holds the paper up he looks around him uncomfortably, then lowers the paper slowly to reveal a grinning sock puppet leering up at him from under the wall of the adjacent stall.)
PUPPET: You like that?
(Cuts to puppets POV as man quickly tries to cover himself by pulling his pants halfway up as if the puppet can see him. He looks shocked, then accepting.)
JOHN: Well, yeah, kinda.
(Back to JOHNs POV.)
PUPPET: Oh yeah?
JOHN: Yeah. (Looks sort of uncomfortable.)
(Shot of JOHN confused, and getting scared. Shot of PUPPET, a little closer this time. Awkward silence as the camera trades back and forth from John to the PUPPET, closing in a little more with each shot. Close up of PUPPET, now trembling slightly and face is a little scrunched. PUPPET POV shot of JOHN, camera shakes slightly as JOHN looks on almost horrified, then the shaking stops suddenly, then a big plopping poop sound is heard. JOHN looks shocked, horrified, disgusted. Shot of PUPPET, Now with a smile drawn on its face. JOHN, incensed, grabs for the PUPPET, who zips back under the stall. JOHN pulls up his pants quickly and bursts out of the stall, turns, and opens the door of the next stall, revealing the PUPPET, now coming from the stall where he just was. Awkward confrontation silence. Shot of PUPPET.
PUPPET: Hey, whacha doin?
(Cut to PUPPETs POV. JOHN has looks of complete horror and rushes to leave restroom and we hear the PUPPET call after him "Where you goin?)
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|Spending Time with the
By Matlock Zumsteg
Announcer: Hello, and welcome back to "Spending time with the Elderly!" Today, we spent some time with Mr. Jonathan Niblitz of Northern Wiskogie Iowa. He tells us about growing up on dairy foods.
John: I remember sitting around on a log with Mr. Abe Lincoln Whenever we got bored with picking cotton. He used to say "BEEEEEES!!!" Whenever we were swarmed by the bees. We would run around screaming "Beeeees!!!" but no one heard us 'cause we lived in iceland and no one else had discovered it yet. Then I remember, and I remember this, he stopped running, took off his hat, turned around, and used that hat to catch every one of those damned things! Then he put it right back on his head and said to me "Now that's Coffee!" My heart!
(The ring of a flatline is heard.)
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|STEVEN POWERS By Ken
This sketch is a mock infomercial. Scene opens on a clean-cut, very enthusiastic infomercial host.
STEVEN: Hi, my name is Steven Powers! And I would like just a moment of your time. You see Im a guy who likes to put people down to feel better about myself. For example, you are probably a good-natured human being who is just trying to have a laugh by watching a light-hearted sketch comedy show. But to me you are a lazy, narrow-minded, underachieving puss-bucket that likes to masturbate to pictures of farm animals you see? Now I feel better about myself. I FEEL EMPOWERED! And you can feel empowered too. Just give it a try next time youre feeling down in the dumps. Walk up to a friend or even a complete stranger and say, "I hate your guts, you ugly, pimple-sucking jerk-off" WOW! You will feel GREAT! Get over the fact that its just a pathetic attempt at filling that emotionally empty void in your life. Get over the fact that by lashing out, you may be permanently damaging the self-esteem of your friends and neighbors JUST PLAIN GET OVER IT!!! Now for just three easy payments of $29.95, you can get my personalized book and video set The Steven Powers guide to personal empowerment unleash your creativity and human potential unlock that hatred that festers deep inside of you lash out at those around you and empower yourself today! But, hey dont just take my word for it listen to what these satisfied customers have to say.
(At this point we see the testimonies of one woman and two men. They should appear overly enthusiastic and totally false. They appear to be paid actors.)
SUSAN: Hello, my name is Susan Franks, and Im here to tell you that the Steven Powers guide to Personal Empowerment changed my life. Before, I was a timid, kind hearted housewife who got nervous about the smallest of things but now I lash out at my friends, I beat my children regularly, Ive divorced my husband, taking half of everything he owned, I go through life with this unbridled rage AND I FEEL GREAT! I recommend Steven Powers to EVERYONE!
STANLEY: Hello, my name is Stanley Woods. Before Steven Powers I was weak minded and sad. But then Steven Powers showed me how to degrade my friends and family and the effect has been life-altering if you try one thing to improve your life TRY THIS!
JACK: Hi, my name is Jack St. Clair, and I could really give a rats ass what you people think about me. I am just here to tell you people that Steven Powers works.
(Cut back to Steven.)
STEVEN: Yes, my friends dont let this incredible opportunity pass you by. Call your neighbor a bug eating circus freak. Call your mother a crotch sniffing biker tramp. Call anybody anything YOU WANT, but most important, call my toll-free 800 number today order my book and video set and change your life NOW! Order my book and video set and let me Steven Powers show you how to make the world yours.
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