The Adventures of Man-Tit                         by   Ken Haus, Matlock Zumsteg and Melissa Gordon

(Interview documentary format. JOHN is sitting in a chair in a living room, talking to an INTERVIEWER who is offscreen.)

Interviewer: John Why don’t you introduce yourself, and tell us a little about your issue.

JOHN: My name is John Stevens and for a long time I have suffered with low self esteem because of my man-tit. For years I silently resented it; it’s mere presence made me feel like less of a man. As a result, I was never able to live happy and secure in my masculinity. But one day, I looked in the mirror and said, ‘John, this is you. And this is your man-tit. Love your man-tit because it is a part of John, and John is a good person.’ And I learned that to become happy with myself as a whole, I must remember to not shun, but embrace my man-tit with love.

(Pan down to JOHNS’ chest. He is wearing a shirt with a hole cut in it to reveal his left breast.)

JOHN: I learned to be proud of my man-tit. I sometimes take my man-tit to the park.

(Bass line opens a shot of JOHNS’ face as he smiles and walks along. Camera shot widens to include his exposed man-tit. Waist up shot of John walking proudly through the park.)

JOHN: (Voice over) I realize that that man-tit deserves fresh air and sunshine just as much as I do.

(JOHN in park is smiling and holding up his man-tit with his left hand.)

JOHN: (Voice over) I’m not ashamed of my busty-buddy anymore. I’m ready to share man-tit with the world!

(JOHN walks up top two regular women talking in the park.)

JOHN: (With pride) Hello ladies, my name is John, and this (raises man-tit with left hand) is my man-tit!

DONNA: Eww! That’s disgusting!

ALLISON: Get that out of my face, creep! What the hell is wrong with you? (They get up and walk off. JOHN stares after them, a confused smile on his face. ALLISON mutters ‘Pervert’ offscreen.)

(Next shot of JOHN washing the inside of a window in his home. Shot is from outside.)

JOHN: (V.O) And my man-tit shows its’ appreciation too. Sometimes, my man-tit likes to help out with the chores.

(JOHN sprays cleaner on a pane of the window, goes to wipe it off with the rag, hesitates and thinks for a moment, looking at his man-tit. He tosses the rag over he shoulder and proceeds to use his hand to rub man-tit all over the window, grinning widely.)

JOHN: (V.O.) I’d like to think that, well, my man-tit has helped bring me a new outlook on life.

(Shot of a woman sitting at a kitchen table with a vacant look on her face. No music.)

JOAN: (Emotionlessly after a beat.) Well, I’m not sure what…bought it about, but about two months ago he just started…fiddling with his chest…

(Cut to John sitting in a chair, talking and playing with his man-tit.)

JOAN: (V.O.) And he just hasn’t stopped.

JOHN: During the time I’ve spent with my man-tit, I’ve noticed that it’s starting to develop it’s own personality. (JOHN places his hand under man-tit and proceeds to move it like a puppet.)

JOHN: (Through the side of his mouth in a high voice) Hello! I’m Johns’ man-tit. It may seem like Johns’ just talking through the side of his mouth, but it’s really me!

(Shot of wife in kitchen)

JOAN: I told him it was just weird, with him touching himself like that…

(Shot of JOHNS’ ‘puppet’ show.)

JOHN: (Speaking as man-tit) Hello! (Louder) HELLO to all you folks out there in TV land! (JOHN chuckles a little and talks to his man-tit under his breath.) That was good.

JOAN: (V.O.) But it’s like he just doesn’t listen.

(JOHN smiles and stares at the floor. Cut back to JOAN.)

JOAN: He treats it like it’s another person. Frankly, I’ve been afraid to invite anyone over.

(Cut to JOHN in the shower singing. He pushes his man tit up to sing the harmony.)

JOAN: And he never stops spending time with it. It’s been very…lonely, I guess.

(Over head shot of JOHN and JOAN lying side by side in bed. JOAN is staring at the ceiling with a blank, traumatized look. JOHN is curled up in the fetal position, caressing his man tit. He mumbles and leans forward, kissing it. Cut back to JOAN in kitchen.)

JOAN: It’s been hard for me. I talked to my parents and they said…

(JOAN trails off as she sees something and looks down to the side with a blank look on her face. JOHN walks in, scratching his chest with one hand and lifting man-tit with the other.)

JOHN: (As man-tit) Good morning, Joan!

JOHN: Morning honey.

(JOHN stops to kiss JOAN on the cheek. Her eyes look blankly toward JOHN. JOHN raises man-tit up to her face.)

JOHN: Kisses. (He makes kissie noises and raises man-tit with his hand. JOAN, without changing expression or moving her head, slowly looks away from man-tit.)

JOHN: (V.O) I believe that man-tit has brought me closer to my family, especially my son Brett.

(Cut to JOHN sitting on the edge of BRETTS’ bed, reading a story as man-tit.)

JOHN: (V.O.) At bedtime, Man-tit and I like to take turns reading stories to him.

(BRETT lies on his side, facing away from his father. As man-tit reads on loudly, Brett puts his pillow over his head.)

(Next shot is of BRETT, sitting on the floor of his room, playing quietly with a truck. )

INTERVIEWER: (Quietly) Do you love your father?

(BRETT stares blankly at his truck and nods solemnly.)

INTERVIEWER: And what do you think about Man-tit?

(BRETT whimpers and pouts, then begins to cry.)

BRETT: (Sobbing) It’s SCAWY!

(BRETT starts bawling uncontrollably. The interviewer tries to calm him to no avail as the cameraman picks up the camera and runs shakily from the room as if afraid.)

(Next shot. JOHN is in the kitchen opening a can of dog food. He pours it in a dog bowl and calls the dog. When the dog runs in and starts eating, JOHN lays down next to dog bowl and dips man-tit in the food, pretending that it is eating too. The dog licks man-tit as JOHN ad-libs some baby talk to the dog as man-tit.)

JOHN: (V.O) Now, I admit that not everyone understands my new relationship with my breast, but I don’t let their opinions affect us anymore.

(Shot of JOHN skipping down the sidewalk carrying flowers. He holds them to his nose and sniffs them, then holds them up to his man-tit.)

JOHN: (V.O) All that matters is that I’m finally happy with myself…

(JOHN skips past some kids playing with a ball. They let their ball drop and just stare at him.)

(Next shot JOHN is in the living room again with the INTERVIEWER)

JOHN: And I’m happy with my man-tit. (Talks to man-tit.) Isn’t that right? (He kisses his breast and rubs the nipple with one hand while holding it with the other, ad-libbing baby talk to it. He snarls appropriately and pretends that man-tit tries to bite the finger rubbing his nipple. That hand then is used to smack man-tit.) No! That’s bad! (Shakes his breast with his hand) That’s a bad man-tit! (JOHN then strokes it reassuringly.) It’s okay, baby. (Kisses it) I’m sorry. It’s okay.


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Marriage Problems                         by Matlock Zumsteg

(Scene opens on a woman, standing in a kitchen, scrambling eggs. Her husband comes in ready for work and walks over to her. He goes to kiss her on the cheek and she pulls away without taking her eyes off of the eggs. The husband ignores this, picks up a newspaper from the table, sits, and starts to read.)

Phillip: Honey?

Susan: Yes dear?

Phillip: I love you.

Susan: That’s nice dear.

Phillip: And you love me right?

Susan: You could say that.

Phillip: We’ve been married for, what, 15 years now right?

Susan: (looking at watch) Seems like it.

Phillip: Well I was just…

(Just then, two children, apparently of Mexican descent run in and grab bag lunches.)

Kids: (Kissing Susan on the cheek) Hi mom! Bye Mom! (Running out the door.)

Phillip: (starting again) I was just wondering…why we… haven’t had sex yet.

Susan: (Obviously annoyed by the line of questioning) We’ve already discussed this.

Phillip: I know.

Susan: I have a headache.

Phillip: Yes, but this migraine of yours has been persisting for the last fifteen years. Don’t you think it’s time you saw a doctor?

Susan: I’ve given you two beautiful children, what more do you want from me?

Phillip: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask you where they came from…

Susan: I don’t want to talk about it. I’m scrambling eggs.

Phillip: I’m sorry dear.

(Doorbell rings)

Phillip: Honey? The gardener’s here. Do you want me to go to work now?

Susan: Would you please?

(Phillip gets up and blows a kiss at Susan. She bats it away. She places the eggs on the plate where Phillip was sitting. Offscreen you can hear Phillip opening the front door and saying, "Hey there Juan!")


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NO HAND STAN by Melissa Gordon and Matlock Zumsteg

 (BAR-Evening. STAN walks up to the bar and sits down. Calls to the bartender.)

STAN: Gimmie a beer, will ya?

(Bartender slides a beer down the bar toward STAN. He reaches out to catch it, but since he has no hands, he misses it completely and it drops off the end of the bar. He sighs. A man walks up to him.)

JIM: Hey Stan, how’s it goin’! Slap me some skin! (Goes to high five STAN. STAN lifts his stump to high five him back and misses completely because he has no hands.)

STAN: Dammit Jim, you know I hate that.

(JIM chuckles and goes offscreen. A man, RAY slides into the shot, looks at beer on the floor and pops onto the stool on STANS’ right, looking at him.)

RAY: You know, Stan, it’s a damn shame you can’t remember you don’t have hands.

(Several men pop in the shot quickly as if interested in the conversation that is about to take place.)

JOHN: (Another man standing around STAN.) Yeah Stan, why don’t you tell us all again how it happened?

(Others nod and look at STAN, interested. The bartender sets a beer carefully in front of STAN and leans in to hear the tale.)

STAN: Well, it was about a year ago…(Fades into memory sequence.)

(OUTSIDE BAR-Night. The bar door swings open. Two of STANS’ buddies, STEVE and BOB, are carrying a drunken STAN under the arms between them.)

BOB: Wow, Stan, you really had a lot to drink!

(STAN begins to urp, ready to vomit. They quickly drag him over to the curb, which is strewn with trash. STAN vomits onto what looks like a pile of burlap sacks.)

STEVE: That’s good, let it all out buddy.

(Suddenly, the pile of sacks starts to move. A gypsy woman stands and turns around, horrified at the vomit on her back.)

HAG: My favorite shawl! (Glares at the men.) You know not the wrath you have brought upon yourselves this night. (Shakes her fist.) A curse for each you!

(The men, including STAN all lean back, frozen in fear and surprise.)

HAG: (Points at STEVE) You! Brigand! You shall never again…(Pauses dramatically) APPRECIATE FINE ART!

(We hear a lightening crash sound effect. Cut to BOBS’ face. He turns pale, thinking. Quick cut to a full shot of STEVE, standing back to the camera looking at a painting in an art gallery. Another man walks up next to him and stops to admire the same painting. STEVE turns to the man and says "This SUCKS!". Cut back to STEVE. His face goes pale and he runs off screaming. The other men look after him, then back at the HAG, more horrified.)

HAG: And you! (Points at BOB) You will never again be able to keep up with CURRENT EVENTS!

(Lightening crash sound. BOB looks saddened.)

BOB: But I really like current events!

(Cut immediately back to HAG, who moves her pointing finger to STAN.)

HAG: And for you, a fate worse than death! (Grabs his wrists. He struggles weakly, to no avail.) A curse that shall damn you…as well as your close personal friends and family members…to a never-ending living HELL!

(Firelight from a nearby barrel flares up as the lightening sounds again, lighting her face brightly. She takes a huge knife and lops off his hands [shadow shot?] Shot of STAN holding up bloody stumps. He yells "Nooooooo! Damn you!" and sinks to his knees, shaking his stumps to the sky. )

HAG: Wait, that’s not the good part. And now, your curse! From this day forward, you will constantly forget that you have NO HANDS!

(The HAG cackles evilly as the lightening crashes once again and STAN yells "Nooooo! Damn you!" again. Scene fades out to STAN telling the story at the bar.)

STAN: And that’s the way it happened.

(All men shake their heads in pity. Another man, DAVE, slides quickly into the barstool on the left side of STAN.)

DAVE: So, lemme get this straight. You can remember everything that happened, but you can’t remember that you don’t have hands?

STAN: I don’t have hands?

(Cut immediately to the barback, JIMMY, who is leaning in the back door.)

JIMMY: Hey, could someone help me unload all these boxes of new bar glasses?

(Cut back to shot of all. STAN jumps up.)

STAN: I’ll help you, Jimmy!

(STAN stands up and walks briskly through the back door. Jimmy does a double take and follows quickly behind. The back door is swinging. From the back we hear the sounds of breaking glass and JIMMY saying things like "No really, Stan, it’s okay, I think I can do it. [crash] etc. The men shake their heads wincing. STAN walks back though the door, dusting off his stumps with a look of accomplishment on his face and sits back down with the group. Someone pats him pityingly. He looks around confused and says "What?")

(His buddies shake their heads sadly. Another guy, PETE steps into the shot in back.)

PETE: Gee, Stan, isn’t there any way you could, you know, remember you don’t have hands?

CARL: (Some other guy) Yeah, like writing yourself a note or something?

(Others look at CARL disapprovingly.)

STAN: (Shakes his head sadly.) I’ve tried everything. (Everyone sighs.) It’s really putting a hamper on my taxi-driving job. Speaking of which, anyone need a designated driver tonight? I just got the cab back from the shop again.

(Others immediately answer in the negative, pushing away their drinks and checking their watches.)

STAN: I’m just afraid that this curse is going to get me in some REAL trouble one day.

(Suddenly, the front door bursts open and a large, stereotypical Italian gangster walks in carrying a baby. Everyone shouts to him enthusiastically in unison and holds out their arms emphatically.)

ALL: Don Julio!

Don Julio: Hey, who wantsa to catch my brand new baby boy!

(Everyone smiles. STAN raises his stumps.)

STAN: Over here!

Don Julio: Okay!

(Don Julio tosses the baby toward him. Everyone draws in their breath sharply [some may yell out "No!" and the like] as STAN goes to catch the baby. We hear the baby giggle, STAN reaches up, ready to catch him, then cut to black. We hear a dull thud, then a baby cry. Then STAN.)

STAN: God…damn it.

(BAR-Day. Next shot is of two guys, BOB [the guy who can’t keep up on current events] and JIM sitting at the end of the empty bar, watching the news on the TV. JIM turns to BOB.)

JIM: Man, these gas prices are really busting my ass.

STEVE: (looks confused, then turns and looks seriously at JIM.) I have no idea what you’re talking about.


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Only the Good Die Young                by Matlock Zumsteg

(Scene opens on a man in a suit on a stage. Talk show format.)

Robert: Hello, and welcome back to the David Mitchem show. As always, I’m your host, Robert Green. Today’s topic brings Reality to the old adage "only the good die young." According to recent studies done by the Lifespan institute, (our proud sponsors) that statement may not be too far off. Today I have with me, Doctor Dan Hillard, founder of the Institute.

Dan: Hello.

Robert: Dr. Dan, tell us what you’ve come across in your research.

Dan: Well, apparently whoever came up with that saying knew what they were talking about. Our studies have shown that people die sooner according to how decent a person they’ve been. Respectively, people who are especially repugnant tend to live the longest.

Robert: Now Doctor, are you saying that my dear old grandmother has lived as long as she has from being a wicked person?

Dan: Precisely. How old is she?

Robert: 97.

Dan: Wow! I wouldn’t just call your grandmother wicked, that’d be an understatement!

Robert: What makes you say that?

Dan: Well, in order for your grandmother to live to the wise old age of 97, I’d say she’s not only sold a good deal of drugs to grammar school children, but she probably smuggled them into the country herself.

Robert: Ironically enough, that doesn’t surprise me in the least. You don’t know my Grammy! (Laughs falsely with audience.) Now what about some of the people who’ve been revered for their kindness and purity? Take Mother Teresa. She disproves your theory altogether doesn’t she?

Dan: No. She was one of the first people we targeted when we got enough funding to afford the F.B.I.

Robert: What do you mean "afford the F.B.I.?"

Dan: Well they’re usually willing to give up information…for the right price…

Robert: Enough said. And what did you find out?

Dan: Our estimates were right on the money, not only was she an avid crack addict, but quite the little child molester to boot.

Robert: Frankly I’m stunned. What would drive these old women to such despicable acts?

Dan: Well, with age comes, boredom frankly. The older some people get, the bigger the kicks they’re looking for.

Robert: Okay. Women aside, let’s look at some of our male "purists." What about the Pope?

Dan: Chronic masturbator. Can’t keep his hands off himself.

Robert: Are you saying that masturbation counteracts all of the Pope’s good deeds?

Dan: Not really the masturbation as much as the sinful thoughts. You’d be surprised what a catholic priest sworn to chastity could come up with on a rainy day.

(Everyone laughs)

Dan: Why, our research has proven that even George Burns (Americas’ sweetheart) would probably have lived another 20-30 years (Having been a Satan-worshiping speed-freak) had he not preformed an incredibly selfless act by saving a dozen orphans from a burning church the Day Before he DIED!

Robert: Dr. Dan, Is all of this true? Was the pope really a jerk-happy pervo?

Dan: NO! He wasn’t. But I tell you what, I probably just gave myself a few more years on my lifetime contract by making such slanderous statements about such perfect people!

(Audience applauds)

Dan: And I lied to an entire TV audience!

(Audience applauds)

Robert: And I probably gave myself a good decade for calling the pope a jerk-happy pervo!

(Audience applauds)

Robert: Two decades!

Dan: Now you’re getting it!

Dan: Our estimates were right on the money. (Confidentially to Robert and audience.) Turns out if you’ve ever been on television, it adds TEN YEARS to your lifespan! (The audience laughs and applauds.)

Robert: Well that must mean Dick Clark truly WILL live forever! (Audience laughs.)

Dan: As a matter of fact, he’s two hundred and three!

(The audience roars with laughter.) Well, Doctor, how can the rest of us improve our lifespans?

Dan: It’s simple, really. In fact, Robert, I’m prepared to demonstrate right here! (Stagehands lead a snobby little girl to a chair onstage.) Audience, please welcome Eliza Hampton, from West Palm Beach Elementary! (Audience applauds.) And now for the demonstration. (Bends to little girl) Now Eliza, how old are you?

Eliza: Six and a half. Mommy says I’m the prettiest girl in school. (Audience "awws!" and laughs.)

Dan: Well, I think you’re UGLY! I hate your stupid little pigtails and I bet your mom just tells you you’re cute so you won’t KILL YOURSELF WHEN YOU REALIZE HOW UGLY AND STUPID YOU ARE! (Audience laughs and applauds excitedly. Little girl looks pissed, gets up, kicks DAN in the shins and runs offstage.)

Robert: Well that looks fun!

Dan: I didn’t tell you the best part, Robert. Not only did I just add two whole years to my life, I have inspired Eliza there to do some pretty nasty things herself! Heck, I may have added twenty years to her life too! (Audience applauds.)

Robert: Well thank you, Doctor Hillard. Thanks to you, many more people will add years to their lives! Heck, I’m sure most New Yorkers will live forever! (Audience laughs.) Well, that’s all the time we have this week, folks! Tune in again next time when an entomologist Dr. Jean Regart brings us FUN WITH FIREANTS! Good night!


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