Dad Junk by Melissa Gordon and Matlock Zumsteg

(Scene opens on a normal looking man driving in a family sedan. He is driving home from work. On the side of the road, he sees a box with something shiny and gold inside. He drives past it, shrugs to himself, then goes back for the box. We see it is filled with chocolate filled gold coins, all melted together into a big lump. He is overjoyed, and puts the whole greasy box into the back of the car, and drives home.

Next shot is of two kids sitting at the kitchen table doing homework as their mom puts dishes away. DAD bursts in carrying his box.)

DAD: Kids! You’ll never guess what I got! (The kids look semi-interestedly at their excited dad. The wife comes over to the table. All peer into the box.)

KIDS: (Shriek in joyful unison) It’s CHOCOLATE! (Then they reach their hands in to grab some and together they pull out the huge melted ball. Kids drop it disappointedly.)

DAD: Wait kids, I’ll get the knife! (He turns to grab a knife from a drawer as MOM stops him.)

MOM: Wait, honey, where did you find…this?

DAD: Well, believe it or not, it was just sitting on the side of the road! Boy am I glad I went back for it!

(Dad grabs the knife and four plates and starts to carve the choc-o-ball, and sets plates of chocolate with trace amounts of tin foil in front of the kids. He then starts to dig in to his own chocolate slab.)

MOM: What do you mean, on the side of the road. Like a roadside stand?

DAD: No. I mean it was just sitting there, near a ditch, on the side of the road! I just saw it from the corner of my eye, like a beacon. It was calling to me! When I saw them, I just couldn’t believe that someone could just leave such a valuable commodity as Chocolate Halloween coins on the side of the road! I had to bring them home so that they could help nourish my family!

MOM: But don’t you think that if they left them on the side of the road, they had good reason for doing so?

DAD: What could possibly be a good reason for throwing away perfectly good chocolate! I’m trying to provide for my family Helen, and if you can think of a cheaper, easier way than picking up useful items from the side of the road then I’d sure as HELL like to see it!

MOM: I’m not criticizing you Phillip, I just think…

DAD: Just think of the possibilities! The average consumer throws away TONS of perfectly good products a year! We can benefit from their misjudgments on the value of their personal property. Poor people do it all the time!

Little Suzy: (poking at her chocolate with a fork) But Dad, we’re not poor.

DAD: That’s the last classist remark I ever want to hear out of your mouth little lady!

MOM: Suzy’s right Phil, you and I both have jobs, we make good money, we can just buy things for the kids.

DAD: Why buy when we could scavenge! With all the money we could save we could put the kids through school! (Grabbing his wife and spinning her around to see her children poking at their chocolate) I don’t know about you Helen, but I can’t die a happy man until I see my children go to college!

SON: Dad, this chocolate smells funny.

MOM: It could be dirty chocolate Phillip!

(At this, he takes a bite of his choco-chunk, leaving chocolate around his mouth and tin foil between his teeth)

DAD: It doesn’t taste dirty to me Helen! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to provide for our children!

(Runs out the door excitedly, carrying the greasy chocolate box with him.)

(Music segment. We show a shot of DAD cruising around in his car, spotting some weird things on the side of the road, then back to him cruising in the car with the weird things visibly piling up in the chocolate box on the front seat. He finds things like hubcaps, roadkill, bowling trophies, really weird stuff.)

(Next scene is DAD pulling into the driveway. He hops out and happily drags his stuff onto the lawn. KIDS and MOM come out to see the things he brought. Son lifts a piece of a tire out of the box and drops it, then they walk off uninterestedly. MOM crosses her arms.)

DAD: See honey, we can live like kings! (He pulls a cigar butt out of the box, dusts it off, lights it and puffs away happily.)

MOM: (Mutters as she walks back to the house.) Where are we gonna put all this crap?

(Next is a shot of MOM in the kitchen. She is taking a turkey out of the oven. She sets it on the counter, goes to a drawer to look for something and doesn’t find it. DAD is sitting at the table going through some of his junk.)

MOM: Honey, could you run to the store and get me a turkey baster? I lent mine to Sharon.

DAD: (Jumps up) Hold on a second! (He runs to their overflowing garage. He digs through one of the many assorted boxes and pulls out a dirty, grease covered turkey baster that’s filled with a black goo. He looks at it, brushes it off ineffectively, squirts the contents out, then runs back into the kitchen carrying the baster.)

Here! I found this near some railroad tracks. Isn’t it amazing! I told you this stuff would come in handy! (MOM has turkey in her hands as DAD runs in and sticks the dirty baster into the juice, squeezes the bulb and sucks some up. DAD squeezes the juice, now containing indistinguishable black chunks over the turkey. MOM, showing no emotion, turns, sets the turkey on the counter, and passes out onto the floor.)

DAD: I think I have something we could use for a meat thermometer!

(He runs off, mom crawls to her feet and chases after him fearfully. MOM enters the garage as DAD is digging through boxes.)

MOM: Phillip, this is too much. We can’t keep all this trash in our garage! I demand that you throw away…

(DAD turns around sharply to stare at mom, a puppy dog look starts to overtake his face)

MOM: …anything that has no immediate purpose. Most of this stuff belongs in other peoples’ dumpsters!

DAD: Dumpsters? THAT’S IT! Why didn’t I think of it sooner!

(DAD whips out his car keys)

DAD: Don’t worry honey, I’m just gonna check out those dumpsters behind Safeway. I’m sure I can find some things to help me organize all this stuff. Be back soon!

(Fade to black. Camera pulls back from a black piece of fabric nailed to a wall. As the shot widens, it shows other nailed wall hangings like tin foil, stuffed animals and plastic bags. DAD walks past the shot and the camera follows him to the refrigerator. He opens the door, with a squirrel pelt, caked in dried blood and held on with refrigerator magnets, and grabs previously opened, slightly crumpled Pepsi can. He then puts some ice into a broken glass and pours in the few drops of backwash sludge left in the can. The camera follows him into the living room, also covered with useless garbage, and takes a seat next to his family on the torn up living room couch in front of a small TV with a coat hanger antennae. His family at this point looks beyond disturbed as they all have blank, wide-eyed expressions on their faces. They stare transfixedly at the static fuzz on the television.)

(DAD hands Suzy a brown paper bag with a crusty Christmas bow)

DAD: Daddy found you another present today Suzy!

(Suzy opens the bag without losing the traumatized expression on her face. She pulls out the body of a doll.)

DAD: I’ll look for a head tomorrow!

(Suzy quietly sets the doll on the couch next to her)

Suzy: Thank you father.

DAD: Son, will you adjust the reception on the entertainment center, see if the Spanish channel is coming in tonight. We can get started on your bi-lingual studies.

(The son stands up and starts to play with the wire hanger.)

DAD: That’s my college boy! Harriet dear, could you hand me some chips from the end table?

(MOM grabs a bowl from the back of a dead crack-whore laying face down over a cement block next to the couch. DAD takes a sip from the broken glass.)

DAD: (With blood streaming from him his lips) Daddy told you kids. Like kings!


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DiCaprio Must Die                                by Matlock Zumsteg and Michael Olsen

A small room is filled with 20 or so chairs. Four of them are filled. A man walks to a podium to speak.

Speaker: Hello, I'd like to welcome you all to NAFTAOLD or the National Association for the Annihilation of Leonardo DiCaprio. I'd like to start out by welcoming our new members. Hello. (One man waves.) And your name, sir?

Man: (Standing up) Stan.

All: Hi Stan!

Speaker: Now, Stan. How long have you hated DiCaprio?

Stan: Oh, about five years now.

Speaker: Five years. (He claps and everyone joins in.) So what did it? Was it Marvins’ Room? Or Romeo and Juliet?

Stan: I can't tell you which one I hated more. It was mainly that the little pissant was getting so popular. I just couldn't stand it. I hated him! I hated him!

Everyone claps

Bill: Well said.

Speaker: Well Stan, let me ask you this... did you see…uhhh (shudders) Titanic?

Stan: Yes, why?

The other members of the group grab Stan and drag him away.

Stan: Awe come on everybody's seen it! (Offscreen) It won Oscars! ( A shot is heard.)

The Members walk back in and regroup

Speaker: Now. What did Stan forget?

All: (In unison) If you've seen his movies, don't admit to it.

Speaker: Right

Harry: I'll admit to having seen "What’s Eating Gilbert Grape." But only because I had snuck in, and was receiving oral sex from a prostitute at the time.

Various words of acceptance and nods from the group.

Bill: He also gave a sterling performance in...

A bullet wound appears in Bill's forehead as he slumps lifeless in his chair.

Speaker: Alright. Who shot Bill?

John: Sorry.

Speaker: That's perfectly alright. If you hadn't done it, I would have. I guess I'll have to remind you all of why we're here today. When I first saw the hell spawn in Growing Pains with his charm and good looks, his witty banter with an aging Kirk Cameron, I knew he was trouble. I told others to watch out for him, that this reign of terror would envelope us all. (Speaking to himself) But mother wouldn't listen. Then Peggy divorced me. But I knew I was right. I watched demonic B-movies like Critters 3 and Poison Ivy in horror as they awkwardly catapulted this hellspawn to stardom. Only then did others hear the call and NAFTAOLD was created. We encountered stiff resistance from all sides. People dismissed us as reactionary or just said we were paying the little bastard too much attention. Yet still we took up a frontal assault, picketing theaters that chose to show his movies and burning copies of Tiger Beat magazine in effigy. We slew movies like Basketball Diaries and left Man in the Iron Mask bloodied in our wake. Then the big gun…uhh (shudders) Titanic came out…but did we give up the fight?

All: No!

Speaker: Did we go on with our lives?

All: No!

Speaker: No. We would not stand by as our enemies bloodied corpses lie at the tips of our jack boots. We were left shocked and stunned, but not powerless. We vowed to resume our attacks against the beast! We swore, there will be no more hits, no more supporting roles, no sitcoms! But alas, it takes more than just vigilance to defeat this towering teen idol. Hard liquor and semiautomatic weapons are vital, and we have lots of both, but they will only get us so far. We must resume our attacks, with courage, strength and a plan.

Harry: (Standing up) But what can we do? He is strong. He holds much power. And we are but a band of fi… (Looking around) three men. How are we to defeat such a powerful menace?

Speaker: That is indeed the question. Does anybody have any ideas they would like to share?

(The camera holds steady on Member #3. he looks around then raises his hand.)

Speaker: Yes John.

John: We could shoot him in the head.

Speaker: A marvelous plan. Beautifully simple. But I'm afraid we've established that mere bullets could not harm such a merciless beast as DiCaprio.

Harry: We could capture him, hold him down, and each one of us could take turns kicking him square in the Jimmy.

John: Forever ruining his chances of reproducing!

Harry: Or we could disguise ourselves as nubile, braindead, groupie Hollywood whores, sneak into his dwindling fanbase. Wait for a chance to get close to him. Lure him into a web of sensual lies and deceit. And sleep with him.


Speaker: And the purpose?

John: We'd sleep with him!

(Beat. The speaker pulls out a gun and clicks the trigger three times only to find the chambers unloaded. John gives a brief sigh of relief. Speaker pulls the trigger again and the gun goes off. John falls down on to the floor. Through his bloody gurgling mouth John gives his last sigh.

John: Never…let…go! (He sputters, then dies.)

Speaker: Do you see what we're up against? The level of evil that walks among us. It's just you and me now John.

Harry: I'm Harry, you just shot John.

Speaker: Whatever. This little episode has brought me new focus. I have a plan. Not only shall we rob the beast Macchio of his future, we will take his past. You and I will go to every video store we know and max out our credit cards renting and buying every last copy of every film DiCaprio has ever starred, written, produced, key gripped, or gaffed in, take them home.. and erase them! All those in favor say Aye!

Harry: Aye!

Speaker: Well I'm sure if Bill, Stan and John were still with us they'd be all for it. Let's go!

(They rush out the door.)


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(Stock footage of a duckbilled platypus. A smooth, mature mans’ voice narrates, classic PBS documentary-style.)

NARRATOR: (Voice over) The duck billed platypus is natures’ most curious creature.

(Show a map of Australia)

NARRATOR: (VO) Native to southern Australia and New Zealand, the platypus has long defied taxonomic classification.

(Show a chart of the animal kingdom, complete with little pictures of turtles, monkeys, lions, etc. The platypus image is tagged with a question mark.)

NARRATOR: (VO) Biologists are still debating just where in the animal kingdom this misfit belongs.

(Show a diagram of a platypus. Arrows point out the features as the narration continues.)

NARRATOR: (VO) It has fur like an otter, and the bill and flippers of a water fowl. It is warm-blooded, and the female produces milk in her teats like a mammal, yet she lays eggs like a reptile. (Shot of a few small eggs lying on the ground.) The platypus is a crazy-quilt, an animal seemingly cobbled together haphazardly from a set of mismatched parts. When one considers the fact that the platypus has under it’s wide, beaver-like tail a poison quill that can cause paralysis and even death in humans, it’s little wonder that naturalist Charles Darwin called the duckbilled platypus "An abomination in the eyes of man and God."

(Show image of Charles Darwin. DOLLY BACK to reveal it is a framed portrait, hanging in a tastefully appointed library, decorated with natural safari memorabilia. Behind the desk is the distinguished NARRATOR, looking intently at the viewer.)

NARRATOR: We at The Show agree, and urge our viewers to join us in taking the necessary steps.

(NARRATOR stands and pulls down a chart of a platypus with crosshairs superimposed on it.)

NARRATOR: If you see a platypus, don’t hesitate. Destroy it on sight. Shoot to kill. If you don’t own a firearm, consider buying one. If you can’t afford one, find a large rock or heavy stick and smash it’s hideous, misshapen head. The method doesn’t matter, just KILL THE PLATYPUS! Kill it! Kill it anyway you can! Thank you.



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LA MORT by Melissa Gordon and Matlock Zumsteg

(Introduction screen, just text like in the beginning of Metropolis.)

Director Jean-Jacques Beaujolais created this French silent film, "La Mort, Douleur et Tristesse" ("The Happiest Anniversary") in 1929, changing the face of film forever. Horribly, the pieces of film containing the fascinating text subtitles were destroyed and lost due to poor preservation. The movie was missing it’s only voice.

Now, for the first time in seventy years, the movies’ text has been pieced together from the directors’ private documents to bring you the film with it’s original dialogue subtitles. Enjoy the movie now as it’s never been seen before.

(Scene opens on a man sitting in a corner of the room alone, drinking a bottle of wine. He hears someone coming. He picks the rose from his lapel and sticks it in the wine bottle and drunkenly lets it roll from his hand. It rolls and hits the door, and the door opens. A woman steps inside, picks up the bottle.)

Woman: (Written below her.) Flowers? You remembered darling! How thoughtful! (She tosses the rose aside roughly and shakes the bottle angrily at the drunk man in the corner.)

Man: (Written below him) This is our anniversary, I want it to be special!

Woman: (She walks over and slaps him) There’s an eyelash on your cheek. I’ll get it.

Man: (grabs her by the wrist in a threatening manner and looks at her hand angrily.) Let me make a wish! (The man gets up and slaps her back)

Woman: (falls and crouches from the blow, holding her cheek.) What did you wish for?

Man: (Grabs her and holds her close, threateningly. She is still turned away) For this to be a perfect anniversary! (He spits at her) I love you!

Woman: (Turns and runs to a wall, covering her face) I love you too!

Written: -Knock! Knock! Knock!-

(The woman and man look at each other. The woman opens the door and there is a young newspaper boy who holds out a paper)

Newsie: Hi mom!

Woman: (Shaking the newsie, as if bothered by his arrival) Jimmy! Did you forget something?

Jimmy: (Holds out his hand) Lunch money.

Woman: Here you are sweetie!

(She grabs the paper and throws some change in the hallway. When he turns to pick up the change, she kicks him in the butt. After he is out of the shot, she shakes her fist after him angrily)

Woman: Have fun at school!

(She attempts to slam the door, but it is caught and opened by a tall, somber looking man.)

Somber man: Hello Francesca! I heard you were celebrating your anniversary! I brought a gift!

(He pulls out a gun and holds Francesca by the shoulder in a protective manner, glaring and pointing the gun at the man. The man angrily whips out his own gun.)

Man: What a nice gesture Jacques! Now I have a matched set!

(The somber man lunges toward the man and they struggle on the ground for a few seconds.)

Somber man: I’m sorry, Francois, but I’m not really a hugger. (The men roll away from each other with a jolt, and both have fatal gunshot wounds. Jacques dies last, reaching his hand toward Francesca.)

Francois: (straining to speak) Why don’t you…bring out the…hors de oeuvres? (Then dies dramatically.)

(Francesca begins to cry and holds her dead husband)

Francesca: This is turning out to be our best anniversary ever!

(Shot closes in on a window.)


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