Bathroom Auditions

(Apparently gay guy sitting in his bathtub trying out all his different actor/performer audition pieces, really over the top and effeminate. The camera would act as if he is actually doing the scene. We could even do a two part with camera (He plays both parts, one looking from one side of the screen, the other from the other side.) Just when he gets to the grand finale and the music swells for his final musical number, there is a knock on the door. Music stops and guy freezes.)

Voice: Bruce, I really need to use the bathroom.

Bruce: (Pause.) Okay, just a sec.

(Music starts up again and Bruce begins to sing. Knock at the door interrupts him a second time.)

Bruce: Okay, I’m done. (Gets up from bathtub in full costume of last character he was performing.)

End.

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Bloopers in Ancient History: CAUGHT ON TAPE!

(Short visuals of bloopers.)

Cavemen sitting around some rocks. Shot two: Close in on caveman rubbing rock on stick. Shot of other two cavemen staring off into outer space. Shot of first caveman picking up the stick, looking at it, then thrusting it at the others’ eye. Side shot of the first caveman stabbing the other in the eye, the other caveman pulls away, screaming and holding his eye. Wide shot of second caveman running around, then falling over motionless in front of the others, as neither notice. Close in shot of first caveman holding the stick with an eyeball on it. He takes off the eyeball and chucks it nonchalantly at third caveman, then goes back to rubbing the stick. The third caveman is playing with a stick, wide shot. We see the eyeball roll into the shot next to the stick. The caveman sees it, then screams like a woman and runs off.

Unfinished...any suggestions?

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CHOCOLATE JESUS            by Michael Olsen

THE SCENE STARTS IN A CORPORATE WAITING ROOM, WHERE JESUS IS SITTING READING A COPY OF NEWSWEEK. A SECRETARY SITS AT A DESK ACROSS FROM HIM. HER INTERCOM RINGS.

SPEAKER PHONE: Patty, send him in.

PATTY: Mr. Christ. They'll see you know.

JESUS WALKS INTO THE BOARDROOM TO SEE SEVERAL EXECUTIVES SITTING AT A LONG TABLE.

JESUS: Good afternoon gentlemen. I'd like to thank you for the
opportunity to present my ideas to you all.

EXEC 1 RISES UP TO MEET JESUS AND SHAKES HIS HAND. AFTER A FIRM HANDSHAKE EXEC 1 HOLDS UP A BLOODY HAND.

JESUS: I'm sorry about that. I forget sometimes.

EXEC 1: Don't worry about. It's a privilege to have you has a guest. We're all very fond of your work. Except for Marty, he's a Jew.

MARTY, ANOTHER EXECUTIVE, WAVES TO JESUS.

EXEC 2: Please proceed.

JESUS: Thank you. I am here to give you a presentation of what I would like to do to restore the Easter holiday as a religious celebration and to create a synergy between the Lord's gift of love and your fine chocolate products
that will carry both the will of God and the Hershey Chocolate company into the new millennium.

JESUS STEPS TO A PROJECTOR AND RUNS HIS PRESENTATION (Note: This is written as a Power Point presentation however it can be done with cards and charts or slide projector.)

THE PICTURES CYCLE THROUGH TYPICAL IMAGES OF EASTER. THE EASTER BUNNY, CHICKENS, JELLY BEANS, MARSHMALLOW PEEPS, CHILDREN HUNTING FOR EASTER EGGS.

JESUS: Over the years the Easter Celebration has evolved from a Christian observance of the day that I rose from the dead and ascended unto heaven into a sugar filled holiday filled with games and candy molded intoChocolate Easter Bunnies and Marshmallow chickens. Instead of religious introspection, we have Easter Egg hunts and ham dinners. Now I don't want to come of like some fuddy duddy that wants to bring down the party with a bunch of religious guilt. After all, if my coming back from the dead isn't something to celebrate, what is? But it's exactly that, Easter has lost it's focus. Was the cross carried by a Marshmallow Peep. (THE SCREEN SHOWS A MARSHMALLOW PEEP WITH TINY CROSS ON IT'S BACK)
Did the Easter Bunny die for your sins? (THE SCREEN SHOWS THE EASTER BUNNY CRUCIFIED) I don't think so. (THE SCENE FADES TO A TYPICAL PICTURE OFCHRIST ON THE CROSS). That's why I would like to return the true meaning of Easter through a product line of religious candies and games. If I may, I'd like to pass out some samples of my first product.

EXEC 1: Of course.

JESUS PULLS OUT A BOX AND BEGINS HANDING OUT PLASTIC WRAPPED CANDY BARS.

JESUS: As you can see it is a chocolate version of me attached to a Graham cracker cross, complete with a berry blood on the hands and feet and a
crown of marshmallow thorns.

EXEC 2: (LIKING THE WOUNDS) Is that Raspberry?

JESUS: Actually it's a mix of different flavors that we like to call Stigmataberry.

THE BOARD MUMBLES IN APPRECIATION

EXEC 3: Isn't it a little dark for Jesus?

JESUS: We tried a couple of different white chocolates but their taste clashed with the Stigmataberry. We decided that this is the closest likeness.

EXEC 2: (HOLDING UP THE CROSS TO JESUS) They really got the nose right didn't they?

THE REST OF THE BOARD MUMBLES IS AGREEMENT.

EXEC 1: I like the idea Mr. Christ and I think the board is in agreement with the idea of returning Easter to it's religious roots, except for Marty
of course. We took the liberty of reviewing the materials you sent to us earlier this week and have a few questions that we'd like to bounce off of
you regarding the nature of your ideas.

JESUS: Shoot.

EXEC 1: Firstly, there is the issue as to wether or not these items would be taken as offensive in some way?

JESUS: Offensive to who?

EXEC 1: Well to Christians.

JESUS: To Christians.? I hope I'm not off base here but... Duh... Christ, Christians, I'm right here. It's got my seal of approval.

EXEC 1: We understand that your approval would be a helpful factor in the proliferation of your image, it's just that regardless of what you
might say, our marketing reports indicate that some Christians would be a little uneasy biting off the head of a chocolate likeness of you.

JESUS: That's the beauty of it. It's the Eucharist. People eat me all thetime. This is the perfect synergy between eating of my body and celebrating
my return from the dead.

EXEC 2: But don't you think that the game activities you have planned are a little gruesome for kids?

JESUS: Such as?

EXEC 2: Well specifically, your game "Pin the Nail on the Savior".

JESUS: That's the point! It's supposed to be gruesome. It's supposed to be harsh. I was nailed to a cross and left to die. Trust me, it sucked! I want
the kids to know what I went through so that they might cast of their sins and rise into the Kingdom of heaven. And to see that message replaced
by the Easter bunny filling baskets with candy and hiding hard boiled eggs on the lawn frankly makes me sick. What is that supposed to mean for my sake!

EXEC 1: We understand your position and only raise these questions in the hopes of getting behind this product line One hundred and ten percent.

JESUS: Sure. I'm sorry if I got a little defensive there, it's just that this means so much to me.

EXEC 1: It means a great deal to us as well. Now we took the liberty of showing some of your materials to our marketing guys to see what they
thought.

JESUS: Of course. There are some great opportunities for muti-level cross marketing.

EXEC 2: Indeed there are. The problem is...

JESUS: The problem?

EXEC 2: Just a minor one. They found that there would be a difficult transition between the Easter bunny Icon and the new Icon of yourself.
We still think that there is potential, but we'd like to smooth over the rough spots.

JESUS: How so?

EXEC 1: Well for starters...

HE STANDS UP HOLDING A ROLLED UP BANNER. ANOTHER EXECUTIVE HELPS HIM UNROLL
THE BANNER WHICH IS A CARTOON OF JESUS AND THE EASTER BUNNY HOLDING HANDS
AND THE WORDS, "HOPPY EASTER." JESUS LOOKS ON, TRYING TO REMAIN CALM.

EXEC 1: The perfect synergy between the old and new marketing strategies. Imagine this banner on buses around the country. We'd like to create a
Saturday morning cartoon with the two characters.

EXEC 2: And action figures with that. Perhaps a spinoff staring Abraham his Passover posse.

EXEC 1: That was Marty's idea.

EXEC 2: As a matter of fact, there is somebody we'd like you to meet. (Into the intercom) Patty, send him in please.

AFTER A MOMENT THE DOOR OPENS AND IN WALKS THE EASTER BUNNY. HE HOPS AROUND
THE TABLE GIVING AN CHOCOLATE EGG TO EVERYONE BUT MARTY AS EXEC 1 CONTINUES TALKING.

EXEC 1: We thought it might be a good idea to get you two guys in the same room and see what you can come up with. We'd like to see the two of you become more than a marketing strategy but a full fledged team. An Easter Powerhouse.

EXEC 2: The dynamic duo.

EXEC 1: The Resurrection Connection.

JESUS: (Screaming at the Easter bunny) I'm gonna get Old Testament on your Rabbit Ass!!!

EASTER BUNNY: Bring it, God Boy!!!!

Jesus leaps onto the Easter bunny and they fall backwards onto the table as the executives react. They continue to beat on each other as the scene
ends.

END

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COFFEESHOP REVOLUTIONARY

by Melissa Gordon and Matlock Zumsteg and an idea by Steven Thomas

(All really over the top.)

Scene opens on three men and a woman in the process of making coffee drinks in a little coffeeshop. All dressed in typical trendy coffeeshop garb. The mentally challenged janitor is mopping, back to the camera in background, rear stage left. Man on left end (JOE) grabs a cup, pours chocolate in the bottom and passes it to man on his left (STEVE), who squirts coffee into the cup, then passes it to next man (RAY), who pours milk in it and passes it to girl (JILL), who puts the lid on the cup and hands it to a customer. Suddenly, RAY, the guy pouring the milk stops, still holding a cup in his hand, just frozen in position, letting the milk just pour and overflow the cup. STEVE passes him another cup without noticing that RAY has stopped. He does this again, then notices that RAY has stopped in mid-production. This makes STEVE stop production to look at RAY as JOE keeps sliding STEVE cups. JOE and JILL stop working at the same time when they both notice the other two have stopped.)

RAY: Damn it, (He drops the tin pitcher of milk into the already overflowed cup. The others look at him with concern.) I’m BETTER than this! Look at us! (All look at each other confusedly) What are we doing here, you guys? We’re smart, right? (Everyone nods and concurs with one another) Well would you say that our current jobs are making good use of our God given talents?

(Everyone concurs and agrees with more authority)

Joe: I would.

Ray: Yes Joe, but you love pouring chocolate into cups, you’ve loved it since you were a kid!

(Joe nod in agreement and smiles)

Ray: I’ve never liked pouring cream into coffee. Even when it’s my own! And I sure as HELL know it’s not the reason I was put on this earth. And if it was… That sucks! And I, for one, am gonna do something about it! We’re adults right? (All cheer in agreement) None of us are disadvantaged mentally are we?

(Everyone begins to cheer, then stop and look toward the janitor who is mopping the wall. He notices that the commotion has stopped and turns to look at the group.)

Janitor: What?

Ray: Janitorial company excluded.

(Everyone cheers excitedly as Ray step on a chair and stands on the counter)

Ray: Men, women…(glances at JANITOR)…mentally challenged, (Janitor looks at RAY and yells "Yay!" in a mentally challenged voice and raises his mop) It’s time for us to take back our individuality! It’s time to put our talents to the good uses that they were intended to be… put to. We have more talent between the five of us then this job deserves! (The others look at each other and shrug, then continue to listen.)

Why do we settle for this putrid, meaningless job day after day, toiling hopelessly as we happily march our way toward a coffee-stained, pain filled DEATH? It’s not the money, I’ll tell you that! I’m sick of minimum wage! I’m tired of being bossed around by pimply faced jerks who’re younger than I’ll ever be again! And I say we rise up and take back what’s rightfully ours! Our DIGNITY!!!

(Suddenly their younger, pimply-faced manager steps in from stage right. He has a crackly, ‘puberty" voice.)

MANAGER: Hey you guys, what’s going on here? We have customer’s wait-ing!

(Everyone goes immediately back to their original positions and go back to looking as unhappy as they were when the scene started. The Manager snaps his fingers at JILL.)

MANAGER: Jill, get up there and grind some beans, keep the customers happy!

(JILL steps back from the line, sweeps her hair out of her hat dramatically, pushes her breasts together, then begins grinding beans manually with some big grinding thing, facing audience and smiling, making sure she looks sexy for the customers. MANAGER turns to RAY.) What the hell is going on here, Ray? Is there some kind of a problem?

RAY: Yeah, BRAD, there is a problem! (As he’s talking, he goes up and begins yelling down at his younger, shorter MANAGER. MANAGER looks pissy, but intimidated. RAY pushes him a little.) Look, you greasy, snot-nosed, pre-pubescent … Pre-pubite! I don’t need to take this from you! I have an ART DEGREE!

JOE: (Jumps up) And I’m a PHOTOGRAPHER!

STEVE: And I’ve had SEX! (beat) TWICE! (Raises fist enthusiastically. All workers cheer.)

RAY: Yeah, so we shouldn’t be taking orders from a guy who…(said really immaturely) Smells his own farts! (Workers all laugh. MANAGER snickers annoyingly after everyone else stops.)

MANAGER: Ha, I don’t smell my farts.

Janitor: (Retardedly) Yes he does!

(STEVE yells, "Get him!" and they all pounce on MANAGER and beat the crap out of him. They all stand and brush themselves off.)

JOE: Okay, Ray, now what? (All look at RAY expectantly. RAY shrugs.)

RAY: I dunno. I only thought it through to this point.

JILL: (Jumps in) I know! We could take over the restaurant! ALL THIS COULD BE OURS!

RAY: (The obvious leader thinks a moment, rubbing his chin. Then, with a raised eyebrow and set jaw, he looks at JILL. ) Jill… let’s CLOSE HER DOWN!

(Musical sequence. "Running amuck" is the motivation. We see STEVE and JILL in the restaurant, pushing the straggling customers out the door happily. After the last one is out they stand together in the door and wave mockingly, and then they look at each other, grin, lock the door and run offscreen excitedly. Next shot shows JOE and RAY in the kitchen, tossing cups and lids in the air joyously like confetti and laughing. Next shot shows STEVE jump up on the counter, rip his shirt off and swing it around his head as he dances. He picks up the chocolate syrup and pours it into his mouth letting it drip down his chin. JILL drags the passed out MANAGER into the back office? And locks the door behind her, grinning and brushing her hands off in satisfaction. Next scene shows all four in the parking lot or on floor in restaurant, playing bumper cars by sitting on plastic trays and scooting around like kids.

Unfinished...any suggestions?

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