upon a time...there was a bee-you-tiful sketch comedy group who lived in a tiny
village in Northern California. One day, while the funny people were minding
their own business, they were approached by Ian, the happy hippie who worked
down the lane at Kinkos'. Ian said, "Hello, little comedy show, how would
you like to perform live on-stage at my upcoming sensual event?" And The
Show said, "Gee, that'd be swell."
The Show pondered for many a long minute before, lo and behold! the idea for a fake Mr. & Mrs. Orgasmatron pageant was drunkenly developed. It would showcase the talents and improv ability of several members and friends while convincing an entire audience of the staged fight that would ensue during the climax of the whole event. The Show shouted "Hooray!"and set to work making costumes and buying mustard and a baby pool for the happy hippies' erotic party.
We arrived in Guerneville at 5:00; two hours late, and the doors opened at 6:00. We got our bearing, set up the planted tickets and organized the choreography of the planted contestants, our actors.
Guests started arriving, the DJ's were spinnin', Ken, the pageants' host, strapped on his big black dildo and we were ready for Round One. Matlock was planted at the door, posing as the son of the flying Zumstegs who owned Sonoma County Hot Air Balloon Rides (not a real business) who donated the pageant prizes; a free hot air balloon ride for four and a giant check (Thanks, Kinkos!) worth two hundred dollars to spend at Baskets and More (another fake.) Ha! About 40 tickets were handed out to "potential contestants" and the scam had begun! (Note: we did not charge money for tickets to the fake pageant to win fake prizes. We aren't that heartless or brave.) The forty-some odd hippies gathered on the dance floor were ready for anything.
The music died, and the lights went up on Ken, alone on the stage, a funny bald man wearing a vintage suit, Buddy Holly specs and sporting a huge, very realistic black rubber penis from his zipper. Then, he parted his lips, and the soulful Whitney Houston tune "The Greatest Love of All" floated on the tense air like gospel, falling on the stunned and awkward ears of the several patrons near the stage. Ken introduced himself, Matlock the prize boy and the pageant in such a way that a ripple of mild interest encompassed even more of the crowd. Ken drew numbers from the fishbowl of tickets gathered by Matlock and the planted actors came up on-stage to be introduced and publicly humiliated as planned.
The idea was basically to set up the characters;
Ken as a sleazy, yet likable asshole, AJ as the "Porkchop" who was
singled out and badly picked on by Ken, making AJ the protagonist. Steven
played the reluctant, preppy college boy who would do a character shift toward
the end, wrestle an inflatable sheep in a baby pool full of mustard and end
up winning the whole contest. James played the beautiful, bad attitude bitch,
who at one point refused to participate in Bobbing for Dildos, and instead
plucked a tiny red dildo out of the bucket and threw it back like it was too
small. Jules came up as the cute, bubbly chick who was too short to reach
the mike so she stood on her tiptoes to answer questions. Then came Kevin,
the cute guy who always had a drink in his hand (not planned, but amusing
Several hours passed and most of pageant participants disappeared to their various devices, returning barely in time to start the second round. Ken was found meditating in the costume room. He came back on-stage to introduce the Challenge round, where contestant had to display their sensual worth. As Ken began to speak, a woman came up to the stage and began fondling the fake cock protruding from Kens' crotch. She motioned for him to kneel on stage and began deep throating the dildo while Ken sang "Wind Beneath my Wings" waving a sheep puppet covered in mustard in the air. The crowd was wild, and Ken had them in the palm of his hand. He led the contestants into the Sex Machine game, where the remaining contestants had to bump and grind together front and center stage. Then, it was time for Bobbing for Dildos. We had rigged a dildo to the inside of the bucket with duct tape so Kevin could grab it easily and win that game as planned, but he couldn't get it so finally Ken had to pull it out of the water and give it to him to end the game. A pool full of mustard was brought out with the inflatable sheep, and Steven dove in, rolling around like a swine in mud until the whole of him and the stage were covered in mustard. Thanks, clean up crew! James was eliminated and the round was over for another couple of hours.
Several drinks and joints later, The Show was ready for the third round. Ken started with a song, then welcomed out Kevin to do a stunning fan dance in a dress with fake boobs and geisha makeup. After he dropped the fan and the music cut out, it was AJs' turn. He came out on-stage in nothing but green Speedos, covered in plastic ivy from head to toe. He refused to sing. Ken poked him. AJ didn't move but looked pissed. Ken prodded his nipples and grabbed at his crotch until finally AJ shoved him back. The crowd was shocked. Mark, our planted security guard, went up on-stage to separate them, as several audience members jumped up to help. Ken dropped the mike and started yelling at AJ over the crowd. Then "I'm Alive" from Xanadu started up and Steven pranced on-stage in a wrestling uniform, determined to perform through the chaos. AJ finally left stage, Ken walked off apologetically, and Matlock awarded Steven the handful of balloons and giant check. The audience was angry, confused, yet thrilled at the same time. Then, some like to say that Andy Kaufman smiled down on us from above.
A group of us had to lead Ken offstage through the crowd. Some pointed and shouted "It's that guy!" and it felt like leading a beaten boxer out of the ring. All the participants gathered in the costume room at the end to change and breathe a sigh of relief when two girls from the audience burst in, angry and livid that the "scary" fight was all a fake. Just as a side note, Ken and AJ had been talking to one of the girls before the last round, proving that the pageant was all fake, yet she was still surprised and upset when she found out the fight she had jumped on-stage to break up was all a set up. Wow.
We were thanked for our efforts by the producers, Ian and Lee of the headlining Orgasma-band WISH, and also by Greg and Ed, owners of Club Fab. And this story would have a very happy ending, but...we didn't get it on film. That's right, only one whole minute of footage of the carefully crafted, perfectly executed pageant, the one glorious, shining moment in the life of The Show, was captured. (The battery on our camera went bad...our other camera person didn't show, and the other people with camera didn't film us.) There are a whole lot of still photographs, some of which you've seen here. Sigh. Maybe it was only meant to live as a fond memory in the hearts of all touched by the MR. AND MRS. ORGASMATRON PAGEANT!!! BACK TO THINGYS...