THE SHOW-EPISODE TWO
Make up an
intro, at end pan back to show that the intro. has been playing on a TV monitor
in the front seat of a car. Driver POV as he turns off the set, then back
to the windshield, we see PETE walking toward the intersection, then a shot
of the car racing toward him. The car pulls up to the stop sign just as PETE
is crossing the street. The car begins showing signs of impatience, revs and
jumps. The pedestrian stops and walks back in front of the car.
Excuse me. I'm sure you're aware that you're driving your vehicle in the beautiful
state of California. And in said state, the motorist, being you, must bear
right of way to the pedestrian, being me. It's a fine little law and I'd like
to see it get the recognition it deserves. Allow me to make an example of
breaks into a Charleston and dances away. The car jumps to go and PETE jumps
back in front and continues to dance. This occurs twice more as the car revs
angrily. Shots of a couple arguing as they drive. Shot of car swerving down
hill towards PETE. Then PETE dances backwards a few steps into the intersection
and is mowed down by the couples' car going through in cross traffic.
Shot of PETE
rolling down the couples rear window. The couple has stopped arguing but continue
to drive. They come to a stop. The driver looks both ways and drives out into
the street. Shot of car turning onto a main road dragging PETE'S crumpled
body by his leg, which is broken at the calf and caught in the bumper. PETE
is screaming. Shot of the couple driving, wide eyed. PETE'S screams are heard.
SALLY (the driver) rolls up the windows and it softens, but not enough. SALLY
turns on the radio, then turns it up. PETE screams louder.
(Over the din)
Did we roll over something?
Well, when we were arguing just a minute ago...
We stopped, and now I think I hear something...dragging.
Was it... is it because we... did we... hit... something?
Well I don't know dear. Is the car making any funny noises? Do you think it's
and listen. Benny can be heard in the throws of agony.)
I don't hear anything.
I think if you turn down the radio you might...
Don't you think I know what my car sounds like when there's something wrong
with it? Don't you think I know that much? Don't you think I know my own car!
Sorry, sorry. Maybe, it's not the car. Maybe... something... got stuck to
The car screeches
to a halt. PETE'S body is heard slamming into the back end. He moans. SALLY
gets out of the car and walks around back. Shot of GABE sitting nervously.
The car door dinger, the radio and PETE can be heard. The trunk opens. Chopping
and screaming can be heard. GABE winces with every chop. The trunk slams,
then again and again until it sticks. The passenger keeps wincing. The back
door opens and a bloody ax is thrown in the backseat. SALLY, covered in blood,
gets back into the car, turns down the radio, rolls down the window and lights
find what was making the noise?
Who... What was it?
Just some brush. You were right dear, we did roll over some large branches
back there. It's my fault, I wasn't paying attention and I've taken care of
it. Now I'm completely covered in sap. Harmless, sticky tree sap.
It smells like blood in here.
down the passenger window.
There you go dear.
You want to get drive-thru?
as the car drives past the man walking toward Capitan Jim's.
BILL is strolling
through a parking lot with his hands in his pockets, whistling a happy tune.
Out of nowhere pops a crazy man in a Captains hat.
Willkommen zu Capitan Jims' verzogertem Karneval!'
Spreken zie Dutch?
Not a word.
Well then, welcome sir, to Cap-i-tan Jim's Retarded Carnival.
You see, I am Cap-i-tan Jim and this is my amazingly retarded carnival.
Is this a robbery? Do you want my money?
Why of course I'd like your money sir, but not before I have seen you amazed
and stupified! If you would so kindly follow me.
a short distance, and stop before a nearly empty field.
Where is it?
All around you! Are you blind? I, Cap-i-tan Jim, like a seeing eye dog, grossly
underfed and beaten into submission, shall show you the way. But first, the
small matter of the miniscually paltry entrance fee.
All right, I'll humor you. How much?
That's outrageous! I'm not paying that much just to see an empty field.
It's much more than that. And besides, you have the founder at your disposal
as your personal tour guide. How often do those bastard Ringle-ing Brothers
step down off their high horses to commune with their guests?
I guess you're right.
So that'll be fifty three dollars and we can get started.
But didn't you just say it was…
over the money and they begin walking.
Let me lead you to our first attraction. The "Incred-I-ble Climbing Wall!"
towards a board with rusty nails in it leaning against a post.
That's a board with nails in it.
Rusty nails to be exact, and I warn you not to wear your shoes as it may scuff
the board, and that would be a three hund-er-ed dollar fine.
Let's see what else you have here first.
Of course sir, keep your options open. In this direction we have, a dead dog
over a dead dog.
But beyond that we have… "The Gravitron!" Cap-i-tan Jim's
amazing Gravitron of delight to be exact.
Cut to large
man standing idly by.
Is it behind the guy?
No it… It is the guy.
Explain to me how, in any way, this man is a Gravitron.
Here's what he does. For 11 dollars Benny picks you up, swings you around
3 times, and then tosses you. For .8 seconds you believe that you're flying.
Of course, for the next half hour you're trying to find your spleen, but…
He throws you on the ground?
Do you see any place else to be tossed?
Well, let's see what else there is.
You haven't seen anything yet...
Cut! Take a break guys.
CHARACTER (Matlock and other actors can improv some funny "behind the
scenes" kind of stuff here?) and camera pans over to ADAM ARAGON, with
headphones on eating a donut, watching the camera monitor. He switches the
channel from displaying the last shot to the black and white placard of the
MONDAY MID-MORNING MINI-MOVIE, IN-CONTEMPTIBLE!
"AND NOW BACK TO YOUR MONDAY MID-MORNING MINI-MOVIE, IN-CONTEMPTIBLE!"
on a courtroom. A woman, MRS. ARCHER, is on the stand, while the PROSECUTOR
questions her. Everyone but the two of them look bored and tired as if this
has gone on for quite some time and they have long since lost interest; even
the JUDGE. The entire time the JUDGE is sitting resting his chin on his hand,
dozing off. He never moves from this position.
Mrs. Archer. Is it not true that your husband was a jealous man?
I'm not sure I understand. Is it true that he wasn't a...
Is it NOT true that he WAS a jealous...
NOT true that he was okay, I'm sorry, no, YES, no... No he, he wasn't. WAS!
He WAS a jealous...
(Helping her along)
Did your husband express any of these jealous tendencies towards anyone you
associated with, Any persons you kept in touch with, ANY... gardeners you
spoke with on a daily basis perhaps?
Yes. Yes he did.
And this gardener, we'll call him MR. Gardener, was he well liked in the gardening
I can't say that he wasn't.
(Lifting his ear)
I say I can't say that he wasn't.
(Slightly under his breath)
So your saying that he wasn't or he...
He WAS. He was.
Okay he was.
Do you happen to know WHO, in the gardening community, Liked, or should I
say respected, or should I say made love to, or DARE I say... kissed Mr. Gardener,
on a bi-weekly basis?
(Searching for a moment)
Then you know who?
No, I don't know who.
But you said yes.
Yes, I did not know who Mr. Gardener was associated with.
No, I said I didn't know.
I'll rephrase the question. Did Mr. Gardener ever mention a lesbian tennis
instructor who once introduced his mothers' brother, formerly his uncle before
his tragic disownment, to a well respected advice columnist who we shall simply
refer to as Dear X?
Really? He should have it's a great story. But enough of your misleading topics
of testification. Let's get down to the real story Mrs. Archer. The one everyone
in this room came here to place their judgement upon today.
I wish we could.
Objection your honor, she used fascist doublespeak in regards towards me!
No she didn't.
Alright then overruled. Do you know, or did you ever know of an associate
of Mr. Gardener that might have reason to BRUTALLY MANGLE an EGRET on his
front porch, Mrs. Archer?
holds up picture of an egret.
AN EGRET, Mrs. Archer. Previously belonging to a well known local eccentric
millionaire? Need I not mention his name?
No you need nottent.
Needent I not?
You need nottent no, and I knew nothing of that egret.
What about the egret Mrs. Archer? Why all this fuss over an egret? How did
you know, Mrs. Archer, that the egret in question liked to take long strolls
with it's eccentric, if not to say often "kinky" owner, along the
banks of the local sewage facility at first sign of dusk. How he loved cradling
in his arms after a nice Swedish rub down, how he tickled his toes from time
looks to jury exasperatedly as if to say "can you believe this woman?"
to no response. One man in front lifts his hands and shrugs nonchalantly.
PROSECUTOR sighs loudly and turns back to the stand.
I didn't know.
Didn't know WHAT Mrs. Archer?
I didn't know THAT.
Oh. Well do you now?
Yes, I suppose.
Then why do you INSIST on DENYING it!
(Beat. Honestly confused)
Oh, Mrs. Archer. Not back to this old run-around again.
I am NOT running around anything. Especially not you!
Mrs. Archer, if you continue to waste the courts time with your nazi-backtalk-doublespeak...
I object! I think I am being badgered…and badly to boot.
MRS. ARCHER! Seriously Your Honor, how can you let this blabbering continue?
as judge is staring off into space.
I say "Seriously Your Honor how can you..."
looks around at the jury, who are all also staring into space, some are leaning
their heads on their hands, all look bored and lost.
Since it would seem that we're alone now Mr. Prosecutor, would you like to
know what this is all about? Off the record of course.
towards the court reporter who is smoking a cigarette and appreciating a painting
a few feet away from the typewriter.
Sure what the hell.
walks closer and leans in casually.
(deep breath, then says entire story in nearly one breath)
The whole thing started when my husband began working on our aforementioned
eccentric millionaires' estate, caring for the egret in question. My husband
was associated with an associate of the gardeners' whom I never met and was
only mentioned by my husband in passing. The gardener was something of a collector,
rare antiquities, you see, and as you know my husband was as well. It got
around that the gardener had purchased a rare book at an auction which my
husband desperately wanted, but the gardener had outbid him. As you know a
mere gardener could never make enough dough to warrant such a lofty bid, so
my husband looked into it. He found that the gardener was the son in law of
the very wealthy eccentric who my husband worked for and had purchased the
book for the old man. So my husband, clever dog that he was, got it in his
head that he would simply ask to buy the book from the eccentric. Needless
to say the man wasn't having it, and passionate for the book of his dreams
my husband, clever dog THAT he was, got it in his head to simply take the
book. So my husband, in an impassioned moment, took the precious egret, thinking
to hold it ransom for the book. Well, my husband, being an only recent bird-handler,
had no idea the fuss and ruckus an anxious bird with a nervous pecking disorder
could stir. He had hoped to take it to the gardeners' house to bargain, but
by the time he got it to the door my poor husbands hands were sliced and bleeding
and the bird was in a bad way. Guilty for the birds condition and not wanting
to arouse anymore anxiety, my husband panicked and left the mangled bird on
the gardeners front porch, and after some time the poor creature must've wrung
it's own neck trying to escape the rope my husband had lead it with. So you
see, my husband never killed anybody, he is only guilty of bird-napping gone
horribly awry. That's why the bird was on the porch, that's why my husbands
blood was there, and that is why my husband is completely and unquestionably
Well that explains everything.
It most certainly does.
I didn't even know about the whole book thing.
Yes, it's quite vital to the story.
Say, now that we've got all this nonsense out of the way... What I've really
been meaning to ask is are you free on Thursday, for coffee, a movie, and
possible intercourse afterwards?
Though I despise your cantankerous black heart, and I would think coffee with
you would mean hours of unending torture and exposition. The sex would undoubtedly
be angry and spastic and that would certainly take my mind off this whole
mess with my husband.
8 o'clock sound good to you.
No, but I don't feel like arguing about it.
Good, I'll be by around half past ten.
grabs his coat and hat and exits. There is a long pause as MRS. ARCHER looks
around at the roomful of snoring or distracted jurors. She turns to the judge.
May I be excused from the stand?
the front row of the court audience falls over in their chair. Pan out to
show shot is on Robertos’ TV.
"QUIT SMOKING FOREVER NOW"
(Turns from watching the end of Capitan Jim on his small TV.)
Hello, and welcome, my friends, to Roberto's Quit Smoking Forever Now program.
I am Roberto! I am here today, out of the goodness of my heart, to help you--to
extend my rough, sexy hand to you, and to grasp you, and to pull you up and
to lay you across the bed, and tear open your blouse, and to--uh, no no--no.
To help you to quit smoking--yes! Yes. To quit smoking. Now, through the power
of my voice, I, Roberto, will hypnotees, hyp--I will hiiip---noooo---tise...
I will hypnotise you into a state of deep sleep. Then, through the power of
suggestion, I will convince your subconscious mind, while you slumber, that
you do not ever want to smoke again. Now, are you relaxed? Well then, get
relaxed. Roberto will wait.
Ready? Hokay! I, Roberto, will begin to count down from ten to one. As I am
counting, imagine yourself in the sky... floating peacefully in the blue sky.
You are sitting on a cloud. It is a beautiful, puffy little cloud, made of
smoke. No! Made of--I don't know--made of... cloud gas. Whatever. Whatever
clouds are made of. Okay. You are on the cloud, you know, just kicking back.
Relaxing. Doing whatever you do to relax. Maybe you eating some popcorn, smoking,
whatever. Anything but smoking. Now I will begin to count, and while I count
from ten to one, the little cloud will begin to disappear, fading, fading
away until there is no cloud at all. Let's begin.
Age music begins playing
Ten. You are on the cloud. Nine. All by yourself up in the sky. Seven. The
little cloud is getting smaller. It is getting tiny. Eight. Maybe--maybe there
is a little bird, eh? Flying around your head? Eh... three. Tinier and tinier,
the little cloud. One. The cloud is gone. Now you are--apparently--floating
in the sky without a cloud. And I am not sure how you are doing that. Anyway,
now you are in a deep hysnoptic trance. Your will is like putty in Roberto's
hands. Now I will begin to make suggestion to your unconscious mind. Soon
you will be completely free of the shackles of nicotine--the chains of smoking
shall burst open like the buttons on your blouse as I--excuse me. Are you
still asleep? Good. Here is the message. Smoking is bad for you. It ruins
your health. Instead of wasting your time smoking, you will serve Roberto
hand and foot, tending to his every whim and fantasy. You will serve only
Roberto. Roberto is the king. He is a good king. He is a sexy king. Okay,
but ladies only, okay--that is what I am saying, only the ladies. Men you
keep smoking, get bad teeth. Ladies--you are Roberto's sex slaves. All jump
out of a box by your feet, to wake you up. One. There is a little monkey!
Two. Why, there are more little monkeys! They are playful. Three. They are
jumping a little too much. I think they are going to knock the boat over.
Six. You--hey, little monkey. That's--that's not--okay, eight nine ten twelve.
Get up, get up, Roberto has done it! He has cured you! It is as simple as
that! Men, if you ever feel like having a cigarette again, please purchase
the entire box set of Roberto's Quit Smoking Forever Now cassettes immediately.
Three hundred dollars, no COD. Now ladies, please come to the address on the
box of this cassette for your--your prize. It's a, like a coupon. Roberto
will be waiting.
(He turns back to his TV, camera follows to show Capitan Jim walking across
screen. Cut into Capitan Jim Part Deux.)
JIM (PART DEUX)
You haven't seen anything yet. There's Cap-i-tan Jim's incredibly amazing
incredible "Roller Coaster…
a wheel barrow on train tracks
This is a roller coaster? It's a wheelbarrow.
It's a roller coaster.
It's a wheelbarrow.
It's a roller coaster.
It's a wheelbarrow.
It's a roller coaster! It's a roller coaster. How much?
out money which is hurriedly snatched up by JIM. BENNY throws BILL into the
wheelbarrow. Cut to a wider shot as BENNY pushes him down the tracks, they
approach a ladder.
Now this is where it can get a little scary.
I think I'll just get off now.
BILL onto the ground.
Five dollars for exiting the ride before it has come to a complete stop.
face down, hands a five over his shoulder.
(Still face down.)
I'm getting kinda hungry. Got a food court or anything?
Right this way. Benny, get him up!
No! It's fine.
himself up. BENNY drags BILL to a countertop next to a garbage bin. JIM pops
up from behind.
What may I help you with sir?
Um, well, what do you have?
Well for starters, we have nachos…
(Reaching for his wallet)
That's the cheapest thing here! I'll take some.
(Ducking behind the counter)
Would you like cheese on them?
Well, they are Nachos…
Benny! We seem to have an unsatisfied customer.
up from behind the counter pounding a fist into his other hand.
Is there a problem with your service?
at Benny momentarily, then without breaking his stare he hands over the fifty.
Cut to BILL
and JIM back in the field, BENNY follows.
And over there is Cap-i-tan Jim's "Merry-Go-Round of Delight!"
My God man, those are dead ponies with poles stuck through them!
The smell isn't too savory. I recommend that you get off if your gag reflex
starts to kick in. Benny will provide the music. Benny!
BENNY and BENNY in turn begins to hum merry-go-round music. As he does this
BILL makes as if to puke. JIM holds out a barf bag and BILL reaches for it.
JIM pulls it away and holds out his other hand for money. BILL digs through
his pockets furiously and pulls out some random change. JIM hands over the
bag and BILL vomits into it. JIM takes the bag when he is done.
Do you want this?
his head disgustedly. JIM tosses it over his shoulder and there is the sound
of water splashing.
30 dollar disposal charge.
(Still fixated on the merry-go-round))
I'm gonna show myself around for a bit.
He sees someone
else and walks offscreen.
Pan out to
reveal this shot is playing on a TV in a hallway next to Judy. Start Fetus.
on the TV which is next to JUDY, who is on her cell phone in an elegant hallway.
She is also dressed elegantly.
I don't know what should I say to him. He really looks like my type. Are you
sure? Well, It's worth a shot. Thanks Helen.
up her cell phone and determinedly walks back to the punchbowl. There is a
man standing on the other side of the punchbowl, sipping and admiring the
apparent party atmosphere. A man in a waiters outfit with a tray of drinks
walks up to him.
(Enters from right.)
Alcoholic beverage sir?
No thank you, I don't drink beverages.
Very well sir.
(Bows lightly and exits to right.)
has been watching DAVE, immediately approaches him from left.
(Looks DAVE up and down awkwardly.)
I have a waterbed at home.
Sorry, I don't drink waterbeds.
Very well sir.
(JUDY sets her jaw and exits to the left.)
strange man wearing the top half of a waiters outfit carrying a tray of disgusting
things approaches DAVE from left.
proffers tray to DAVE, who eyes it confusedly.
No thank you I don't…wait, what did you say it was?
He, fetus… Er, unborn child.
presents tray in the same manner.
Oh no, well, er, uh, yes. Fetus?
Oh god, where did, where did you get them?
Er, I found them near some broken formaldehyde jars behind an abortion clinic.
You mean, to eat.
Oh no, well, er, um n, Yes. Fetus?
Well, Are they any good?
Oh Ye, uh, er, well, uh, no. Fetus?
Then why would I eat them?
I have no fucking clue. Fetus?
Why don't you try one?
Oh no, well, er, yes, n, Okay!
proceeds to take a fetus from the tray and dangle it above his mouth
They slide right down the throat.
swallows it and acts okay, then makes vomiting noises and beats his chest
with one hand
They can't quite claw their way up past the sternum. Fetus?
I think I'm going to be sick. Security!
Got to go!
drops the tray and runs out of the shot, but not before you see that he is
wearing no pants. A Party security guard walks up to the man.
What seems to be the problem sir, is everything secure?
Well, that man over there…
after FETUS MAN
That man running away with no pants?
Yes, that man with the firm young buttocks, he was offering me…
(leans in to whisper, nearly inaudible)
He offered me fetus.
What? You kind of trailed off there.
Sir, that's absolutely disgusting and inappropriate. I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.
(Begins to manhandle Dave.)
No, you don't understand, he was serving them like, on a tray! Eating fetus!
As the guard
drags him past a table, he points franticly to a tray similar to the one fetus-man
carried away. A man with a monocle is apparently about to eat a fetus. He
stops in mid-bite, confused by the commotion.
That man there, he's eating fetus too!
Sir, are you trying to tell me that this gentleman here is about to bite into
an aborted human fetus?
without thinking, takes a bite and begins to chew, absorbed in the conversation.
I'm trying to tell you he just did.
Please sir, don't try to talk with your mouth full of formaldehyde pickled
I'm gonna be sick. Please take me somewhere where I can be sick.
(Chews and swallows.) Popcorn Shrimp.)
This is just some popcorn shrimp in a cocktail sauce that my wife made, actually.
Would you care for some?
Merciful God, no.
Well, I never.
Sir I'm gonna have to ask you to watch your manners or I'll be forced to forcibly
escort you from the grounds. With force. Do you understand me?
Sorry buddy, my friend here has some reservations about certain recipes floating
around this party.
Perfectly understandable at these pot lucks.
I myself am a tad peckish, and see no reason why I
(He jerks Dave's arm.)
Or My friend here shouldn't sample a platter of your wifes' delightful Popcorn
fried Shrimp con Cocktail Sauce. Do I?
(He manhandles DAVE threateningly)
I guess you don't.
of them reach for shrimp and the camera pans slowly around the room to a T.V.
set. Chewing and slurping can be heard.
They're quite tangy, don't you think? She actually came across them downtown
today, near some broken formaldehyde jars behind an abortion clinic.
stops and vomiting is heard. Some splashes near the T.V. which displays the
JIM PART TREE
a woman and her small child.
Welcome! Can I show you and your freakishly odd little friend around the park?
at the child who has a goatee. He looks at Abigail, the mother questioningly.
out an inflated balloon from his jacket.
Little goat child, would you like a balloon?
Balloons are mandatory. Take it! Five dollars.
over a five. JIM motions as if to hand it to the boy, then releases it (Or
bursts it with cigarette) and it flies away. The boy begins to cry.
Oops, looks like you lost hold of that one. Here have another, five dollars.
Looking at your little child here, I feel obligated to show you to our "Amazing
Freak Show," with horrors from around the world. Or the downtown area
into a makeshift tent. ABIGAIL and her child follow. After a second JIM pushes
them both out and outstretches his hand. They hand him a couple of dollars,
and he lets them in while counting the cash.
Now I must warn you, this animal (And believe me, he is more animal than anything
else) is arguably the cruelest freak of nature mankind has ever set it's glass
eyes on! May I present, for your abasement, The Ex-Elephant Man!
the curtain and presents a man sipping coffee on a couple of milk crates.
Is it behind the guy or…
It is the guy! But, he used to look like THIS!
a doctored photo of a mans body with an elephants head attached. ABIGAIL and
child both scream and run away.
Benny! Go shake 'em down before they get off the grounds.
Hey man, can I like, take a smoke break, stretch my legs for a…
(Threatening with cane)
Get back to your cage you repug-i-nant freak! Just looking at you makes a
kind of acidic bile rise to the back of my throat and it burns.
the curtain and walks away.
I'm not an animal, you know.
back into shot and behind the curtain with his cane raised. There are signs
of a scuffle and thwacking noises.
(Segue from Capitan Jim: As PHILLIP drives, the shot is his POV as he passes
a TV playing the last scene of Capitan Jim on the side of the road. Camera
turns back to road as if he turns his head.)
on a normal looking man (PHILLIP) driving in a family sedan. He is driving
home from work. On the side of the road, he sees a box with something shiny
and gold inside. He drives past it, shrugs to himself, then goes back for
the box. We see it is filled with chocolate filled gold coins, all melted
together into a big lump. PHILLIP is overjoyed, and puts the whole greasy
box into the back of the car, and drives home. Next shot is of two kids (BOBBY
& SUZY) sitting at the kitchen table doing homework as their mom (HELEN)
puts dishes away. PHILLIP bursts in carrying his box.
Kids! You'll never guess what I got!
look semi-interestedly at their excited dad. HELEN comes over to the table.
All peer into the box.
(Shriek in joyful unison)
reach their hands in to grab some and together they pull out the huge melted
ball. They drop it disappointedly.
Wait kids, I'll get the knife!
to grab a knife from a drawer as HELEN stops him.
Wait, honey, where did you find…this?
Well, believe it or not, it was just sitting on the side of the road! Boy
am I glad I went back for it!
the knife and four plates and starts to carve the choc-o-ball, and sets plates
of chocolate with trace amounts of tin foil in front of the kids. He then
starts to dig in to his own chocolate slab.
What do you mean, on the side of the road. Like a roadside stand?
No. I mean it was just sitting there, near a ditch, on the side of the road!
I just saw it from the corner of my eye, like a beacon. It was calling to
me! When I saw them, I just couldn't believe that someone could just leave
such a valuable commodity as Chocolate Halloween coins on the side of the
road! I had to bring them home so that they could help nourish my family!
But don't you think that if they left them on the side of the road, they had
good reason for doing so?
What could possibly be a good reason for throwing away perfectly good chocolate!
I'm trying to provide for my family Helen, and if you can think of a cheaper,
easier way than picking up useful items from the side of the road then I'd
sure as HELL like to see it!
I'm not criticizing you Phillip, I just think…
Just think of the possibilities! The average consumer throws away TONS of
perfectly good products a year! We can benefit from their misjudgments on
the value of their personal property. Poor people do it all the time!
(Poking at her chocolate with a fork)
But Dad, we're not poor.
That's the last classist remark I ever want to hear out of your mouth little
Suzy's right Phil, you and I both have jobs, we make good money, we can just
buy things for the kids.
Why buy when we could scavenge! With all the money we could save we could
put the kids through school!
his wife and spins her around to see her children poking at their chocolate
I don't know about you Helen, but I can't die a happy man until I see my children
go to college!
Dad, this chocolate smells funny.
It could be dirty chocolate Phillip!
he takes a bite of his choco-chunk, leaving chocolate around his mouth and
tin foil between his teeth
It doesn't taste dirty to me Helen! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to provide
for our children!
out the door excitedly, carrying the greasy chocolate box with him. Music
segment. We show a shot of PHILLIP cruising around in his car, spotting some
weird things on the side of the road, then back to him cruising in the car
with the weird things visibly piling up in the chocolate box on the front
seat. He finds things like hubcaps, roadkill, bowling trophies, really weird
is PHILLIP pulling into the driveway. He hops out and happily drags his stuff
onto the lawn. BOBBY, SUZY and HELEN come out to see the things he brought.
BOBBY lifts a piece of a tire out of the box and drops it, then they walk
off uninterestedly. HELEN crosses her arms.
See honey, we can live like kings!
a cigar butt out of the box, dusts it off, lights it and puffs away happily.
(Mutters as she walks back to the house.)
Where are we gonna put all this crap?
Next is a
shot of HELEN in the kitchen. She is taking a turkey out of the oven. She
sets it on the counter, goes to a drawer to look for something and doesn't
find it. PHILLIP is sitting at the table going through some of his junk.
Honey, could you run to the store and get me a turkey baster? I lent mine
Hold on a second!
He runs to
their overflowing garage. He digs through one of the many assorted boxes and
pulls out a dirty, grease covered turkey baster that's filled with a black
goo. He looks at it, brushes it off ineffectively, squirts the contents out,
then runs back into the kitchen carrying the baster.
Here! I found this near some railroad tracks. Isn't it amazing! I told you
this stuff would come in handy!
turkey in her hands as PHILLIP runs in and sticks the dirty baster into the
juice, squeezes the bulb and sucks some up. PHILLIP squeezes the juice, now
containing indistinguishable black chunks over the turkey. HELEN, showing
no emotion, turns, sets the turkey on the counter, and passes out onto the
I think I have something we could use for a meat thermometer!
He runs off,
HELEN crawls to her feet and chases after him fearfully. HELEN enters the
garage as PHILLIP is digging through boxes.
Phillip, this is too much. We can't keep all this trash in our garage! I demand
that you throw away…
around sharply to stare at mom, a puppy dog look starts to overtake his face.
…anything that has no immediate purpose. Most of this stuff belongs
in other peoples' dumpsters!
Dumpsters? THAT'S IT! Why didn't I think of it sooner!
out his car keys.
Don't worry honey, I'm just gonna check out those dumpsters behind Safeway.
I'm sure I can find some things to help me organize all this stuff. Be back
Fade to black.
Camera pulls back from a black piece of fabric nailed to a wall. As the shot
widens, it shows other nailed wall hangings like tin foil, stuffed animals
and plastic bags. PHILLIP walks past the shot and the camera follows him to
the refrigerator. He opens the door, with a squirrel pelt, caked in dried
blood and held on with refrigerator magnets, and grabs previously opened,
slightly crumpled Pepsi can. He then puts some ice into a broken glass and
pours in the few drops of backwash sludge left in the can. The camera follows
him into the living room, also covered with useless garbage, and takes a seat
next to his family on the torn up living room couch in front of a small TV
with a coat hanger antennae. His family at this point looks beyond disturbed
as they all have blank, wide-eyed expressions on their faces. They stare transfixedly
at the static fuzz on the television. PHILLIP hands SUZY a brown paper bag
with a crusty Christmas bow.
Daddy found you another present today Suzy!
the bag without losing the traumatized expression on her face. She pulls out
the body of a doll.
I'll look for a head tomorrow!
sets the doll on the couch next to her.
Thank you Father.
Son, will you adjust the reception on the entertainment center, see if the
Spanish channel is coming in tonight. We can get started on your bi-lingual
up and starts to play with the wire hanger.
That's my college boy! Helen dear, could you hand me some chips from the end
a bowl from the back of a dead crack-whore laying face down over a cement
block next to the couch. PHILLIP takes a sip from the broken glass.
(With blood streaming from him his lips)
Daddy told you kids. Like kings!
to display the next shot of Capitan Jim playing on their TV.
Shot of BILL
walking into frame and crossing the field. He is accosted by JIM.
Did I just see you use the restroom?
Was it number one or number two?
Why? That's fifty dollars for cleansing charges, that's why!
But I flushed!
You flushed? Then you must have witnessed the… "Magical Typhoon
of Cleansing Power!"
Well I wasn't really looking…
to this treatment by now, hands over the money and walks off. A new guest
(SHMOE) wanders into the park. JIM approaches him.
Welcome to Cap-i-tan Jim's Retarded Carnival of wonders. How may I help you?
Well I was thinking of taking my family here, and I kind of want to check
the place out. Do you have any children oriented rides and games?
Can I direct you to Cap-i-tan Jim's Marvelous Midway, where we have such wonderful
games as, "Don't let your child explode!"
What do you mean, "Don't let your child… Explode!?"
What we do, is we place an explosive somewhere on your child's person. And
if you can't find it in time… Oh well!
What's, "Oh well?"
Oh… well… Let me show you the souvenir shop. We have marvelous
gifts for the kiddies like stuffed animals…
something from a shelf.
That's a dead raccoon.
It was the raccoon or my mother. I could only stuff one and I figured she
worriedly at JIM for a moment. JIM drops the Raccoon.
Follow me sir!
JIM and the
SHMOE walk across the empty field. SHMOE trips in a pothole along the way.
Ow! I tripped in a pothole.
That was no pothole sir, that was the… "Pit of Despair!" 10
But it was just a pothole.
Pit of Despair.
It's a pothole.
(Hands over money)
Let me show you one last thing.
a railway car.
Welcome to Cap-i-tan Jim's "Old Western Theme Park!" Howdy partner,
let's rangle up some doggies and do some sheep shaggin'
The kids, they love this.
What are you doing to that poor man?
A shot shows
BILL, tied to the train car while two men gag him and douse him in gasoline.
Help me! For the love of God, he's insane! Call the police!
BILL is gagged.
It's all part of the fun. He's enjoying this.
Glad you're having fun!
his cigarette towards the train car and fire flares up on JIM and SHMOES'
faces from offscreen. A muffled scream is heard.
That poor man is on fire!
He loves it.
Look, I just want to get out of here.
Well, there's the matter of the exit fee.
Otherwise you'll have to stay here with us. Bill over here may need a replacement…
two steps backward while staring into the fire, then bolts offscreen. BENNY
Break his knees and shave his head, we'll put him in the freak show tomorrow.
after SHMOE as JIM admires the fire. Pan over to a broken looking TV set somewhere
on the lot. It flickers on and displays footage of a duckbilled platypus swimming
through the water.
CURIOUS CASE OF THE DUCKBILLED PLATYPUS
stock footage of a duckbilled platypus. A smooth, mature mans' voice (eg.
Marty Stouffer) narrates, classic PBS documentary-style.
The duck billed platypus is natures' most curious creature.
Show a map
Native to southern Australia and New Zealand, the platypus has long defied
Show a chart
of the animal kingdom, complete with little pictures of turtles, monkeys,
lions, etc. The platypus image is tagged with a question mark.
Biologists are still debating just where in the animal kingdom this misfit
Show a diagram
of a platypus. Arrows point out the features as the narration continues.
It has fur like an otter, and the bill and flippers of a water fowl. It is
warm-blooded, and the female produces milk in her teats like a mammal, yet
she lays eggs like a reptile.
Shot of a
few small eggs lying on the ground.
The platypus is a crazy-quilt, an animal seemingly cobbled together haphazardly
from a set of mismatched parts. When one considers the fact that the platypus
has under it's wide, beaver-like tail a poison quill that can cause paralysis
and even death in humans, it's little wonder that naturalist Charles Darwin
called the duckbilled platypus "An abomination in the eyes of man and
of Charles Darwin. DOLLY BACK to reveal it is a framed portrait, hanging in
a tastefully appointed library, decorated with natural safari memorabilia.
Behind the desk is the distinguished NARRATOR, looking intently at the viewer.
We at The Show agree, and urge our viewers to join us in taking the necessary
stands and pulls down a chart of a platypus with crosshairs superimposed on
If you see a platypus, don't hesitate. Destroy it on sight. Shoot to kill.
If you don't own a firearm, consider buying one. If you can't afford one,
find a large rock or heavy stick and smash it's hideous, misshapen head. The
method doesn't matter, just KILL THE PLATYPUS! Kill it! Kill it anyway you
can! Thank you.
begins in an industrial rental store. Rototillers and chain saws are lined
up in rows. ROGER sits behind the counter looking bored and watching the last
shot of Duckbilled Platypus on TV. A Man in a business suit (PETE) walks in
looking somewhat drunk and very curious. PETE looks at the rototillers for
a moment, scoffs, then moves on to look at snowblowers.
Can I help you?
No, just browsing a bit. Thanks.
Let me know if you need any help.
After a moment,
ROGER decides to go to the back room where he sees his supervisor JIMMY smoking
I think it's that guy you were talking about.
You know, the guy you said not to rent anything to.
What's he look like?
Average height, brown hair, glasses.
Wearing a suit?
That's the guy.
Well, what do I do?
Don't rent him anything.
They didn't tell you?
Didn't tell me.
Shoulda told you.
This guy, for some reason, likes to get drunk as hell and rent industrial
No shit. After what happened last time they said he can't rent nothing here
Well I can understand, the guy looks drunk as hell.
So what did he do last time?
Lemme think. Oh yeah, he got a rototiller and tried to rototill the freeway.
No shit. Big ol' mess, too. He actually tilled up a good-sized chunk of the
Damn. Must be one hell of a tiller.
Made in Dallas.
Well all right then.
interrupted by the sound of a chainsaw buzzing.
I guess I better check on that.
out to the shop where the man is buzzing in the air with the chain saw. He
has a large grin on his face. Keeping his distance ROGER waves him down.
Do you like the saw?
It's all right. How much per day?
Twenty bucks a day, plus deposit.
Not bad. Got anything bigger?
We got a three footer but its' out till Wednesday.
Do you have a backhoe?
Thought you wanted a chain saw?
Yeah but if a backhoe is all you have then it will have to do.
You want to cut down a tree with a backhoe?
for further explanation but doesn't get one.
Well all right then. Let me check in the back.
to the back room where JIMMY is still smoking.
What's he want this time?
No shit. He wanted the three foot saw but it's out.
What the hell does he want with a backhoe?
Don't surprise me after what he did with the jackhammer.
What did he do with the jackhammer?
Used it to put a sunroof on his car.
That's what the cops said when they pulled him over. Did you know it's not
illegal to jackhammer a sunroof into your car while driving down the freeway.
No shit. Cops weren't so happy with the fact that he was drunk but the jackhammer
was just fine.
Damn. Now lemme get this straight. You rented him the rototiller after he
jack hammered a sunroof into his car?
You'll have to explain it to me sometime.
I oughta explain it to you now. You see, that guy, when he wants something,
He'll give you these puppy dog eyes.
Puppy dog eyes?
Puppy dog eyes. He'll look at you and his eyes swell up and they look like
they're about to cry and he puts his bottom lip out. It's the most pathetic
thing you've ever seen.
So you gave him the tiller 'cause he looked like a dog?
You don't understand. It's like Yoda or something.
Yoda. Be careful out there and don't make eye contact, whatever you do.
All right then.
back out where the MAN is waiting at the counter.
I'm sorry sir, it's out for the day. Maybe you should try again tomorrow.
by giving him the Puppy Dog Eyes. ROGER freaks and tries to look away.
I'm real sorry sir. We just don't have one.
Look, I'll check the back one last time.
to the back room.
Oh my God! It's horrible. I feel like I backed over his kitten with my truck.
Be strong man!
I can't go back out there. You'll have to tell him no. I can't.
Get a hold of yourself Roger! He's just a man!
Then you go out there.
This is something you need to do on your own. You need to go out there and
tell him that we can't give him the backhoe.
ROGER goes back out, looking away from the MAN the whole time.
Look, sir. We just can't let you have the backhoe.
It's not me it's a managerial thing, they set the rules it wasn't me at all
more loudly and maneuvers his head to make eye contact with ROGER. Finally
he catches his eye. ROGER is stopped suddenly like a deer in headlights.
Oh Jesus. I can't.
You'll do something crazy with it.
his head from side to side no. ROGER struggles as he reaches behind the counter
and pulls out a set of keys. As he holds them up the MANS' eyes light up.
He is now an eager puppy waiting for his ball.
You promise to be good.
Not to do anything stupid.
All right then.
MAN the keys and he skips out the door. As ROGER stands there defeated, JIMMY
comes up from behind.
Gave him the backhoe?
Don't take it too hard.
of JIMMY and ROGER. JIMMY slaps ROGER on and around the shoulder in a weird
sporadic fashion. The camera pans down, or a wipe pans down to show two Muppet-style
puppets each with an arm in the air in the places of JIMMY and ROGER. They
are stifling laughter. Words appear on the screen that are read aloud by an
This episode of the show was brought to you entirely by Muppets *tm. And by
the letter "Q." Maker of Quixotic and Quasimodo.
out from a beat-up television on a T.V. stand in the middle of a bare, black
set. The Television goes from Muppets to fuzz then turns off. The "At
home" screen turns to static and then "Off."